


Neighbor from Hell, Love from Heaven

by funfan



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Dark, Depression, Developing Relationship, Hate to Love, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-05-20 20:45:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 26,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6024151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funfan/pseuds/funfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This will probably be the darkest story I have written so far, and I have only started it because one of my friends asked for something similar. My dear, I hope you will like it and will find the strength you are looking for in it.</p>
<p>I want to put out a huge trigger warning for depression and gloomy thoughts. I mused for a long time about the footballer I should write this about and finally decided for Erik because he fitted the role the most from all my candidates. But it really could be anyone and it should be one of the main message of this story.</p>
<p>As always, I'd appreciate feedback from you. :-)</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. A Lonely Evening

**Author's Note:**

> This will probably be the darkest story I have written so far, and I have only started it because one of my friends asked for something similar. My dear, I hope you will like it and will find the strength you are looking for in it.
> 
> I want to put out a huge trigger warning for depression and gloomy thoughts. I mused for a long time about the footballer I should write this about and finally decided for Erik because he fitted the role the most from all my candidates. But it really could be anyone and it should be one of the main message of this story.
> 
> As always, I'd appreciate feedback from you. :-)

The flickering cold neon light hurt his bloodshot eyes. He heard a constant buzz in his ears that he knew wasn’t really there and every beat of his heart resonated in his head, as if someone was knocking from inside his skull. He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath. His fingers curled around the handle of the shopping trolley firmer and his knuckles turned white. The uncomfortable buzz faded and his dizziness subsided, but he still wasn’t feeling well. He hadn’t been feeling well for days now and he knew that it wouldn’t get any better for a long time being.

He made a few unsure steps and maneuvered his cart into the next alley. Bags of chips and snacks looked at him and he tossed a couple of them next to the milk, bread and ham with a bored move. It was his usual shopping and he was sick of it. He knew the route in the supermarket by heart now and he could have gotten any needed item with closed eyes. Every single time he came here, he bought the same things. There was no change in his shopping list: barely a dozen articles scattered in the loading space of the trolley.

How he would have liked to shop for two! Buy something he didn’t need or like, but knew would bring a smile to his love’s face. It would fill him with the biggest joy. He was pushing his shopping cart past the fridges and he halted.

His eyes wandered over the beer cans and then further, towards the harder drinks. His nostrils widened and his heart missed a beat, but he controlled himself. No, he couldn’t do that. He was a professional footballer, he couldn’t do this to his body. He was only having a bad phase, some tough days, nothing more. It would pass and he would be as good as ever. He couldn’t throw away his chance to find his old self again. His cheeks had already sunk a little bit, he had started to neglect himself.

He couldn’t do anything about it. Simply, there was nothing more to fight for. The only thing that could make him forget about the huge emptiness around him had forsaken him. Football was his life; it had been ever since he had realized that he couldn’t have the life he had dreamed about for years. And now, he was walking carefully, not putting much pressure on his injured leg, afraid of every move, dreading the moment when the pain would come back with a sudden jolt blinding him.

He cast a final glance at the expensive bottles and then turned around, heading for the cash desk. Tonight, a young ginger was working. He had seen her here many times, but hadn’t noticed how full of life she looked like. Her smile never vanished and her face shined with a red deeper than her lipstick. But the cheerfulness that must have been contagious to others, lost its effects on him.

He unpacked his shopping on the conveyor belt. A short beep announced that an item had been checked. He avoided her eyes and got his wallet out of his pocket. He stared at the notes lined up there, without really seeing the numbers printed on them. He didn’t have to wait for the girl to tell him the sum he had spent. He knew it all too well.

“Twelve euros and fifty-four cents.” He said it together with the cashier. She looked at him stunned for a second but then, her smile returned. He handed her a ten and a five bank note. “Keep the change.”

“Thank you!” She said with an even wider grin, if that was even possible. “You are Erik Durm, right?” She started to chat with him. She thought that she had to give some extra service for the generous tip she had received and she started to pack his shopping into a bag. Erik let her do it.

“Yes.” He answered dryly. He stared out of the shop window, as if something immensely interesting had caught his attention in the parking space. But there was nothing there. No one was out in the streets at this hour of the day. Most young men like him were either out somewhere with their love, cuddled up on a couch or in their beds. Only he had to stand here, alone and depressed.

“I have read that you had to undergo an operation. I am sorry.”

“Thank you.” Erik nodded. There was nothing reminiscent of human kindness in his voice. He could only hope that he would find it again some time. She put away the last package of ham and handed him the bag. Their hands touched accidentally, but Erik could only feel coldness. He had lost his belief that he would get anything else out from human contact in his life.

“You’re welcome! Have a nice evening, and get well soon!” She called after him, but Erik didn’t stop to say anything.

The cool air helped him and he limped over to his car. He threw the bag on the passenger seat. No one had ever used it, except for his teammates whom he had given a lift now and then. But then, they weren’t using only the seat, but also, him. After all those matches, Erik still hadn’t found his place within the squad. He was just a little mouse, a gray average player, someone no one would ever notice. Someone whom others only saw when they needed something from him: a lift, looking after their babies or gathering the balls after training.

“Fuck!” He cried out suddenly and hit the steering wheel. He felt like crying, but he wouldn’t break down here. He would have plenty of opportunity later, in his cold flat. It never felt like home. It never would, as long as Erik was living on his own.

 

He stopped the engine in the parking lot in front of the building he lived, or maybe rather existed, in after a ten minute drive. He grabbed the simple white bag and climbed out of the car. The street lamps were the only source of light. The offices on the first two floors of the building were empty and there was just one flat occupied. His. His steps echoed in the staircase. He never used the elevator when he was alone in the building; it made a lot of noise and it frightened him.

It was only when he was putting away his shopping that he noticed that his hands were trembling. He stopped for a moment and leaned against the kitchen sink. He reached for a glass and filled it with cold water. He swallowed it down with huge gulps, but it couldn’t put out the fire burning inside him.

Then, it happened. His tears started to pour and he could nothing to stop them. Heavy sob shook him and he prayed for a soothing hand on his back, but he knew that only he would calm himself down. He sank down on the tiles and curled up into a ball. The salty drops now fell on his jeans, leaving wet spots there. He ran his fingers through his hair and he left his hand on the top of his head. Could he be any more miserable and desperate? He could hardly imagine.

He kicked the fridge door shut and he sprang up. He ran into his bedroom, he didn’t really know why. There was no one around he had to hide his tears from. Apart from himself. He was running away from his reality and he knew it. Because accepting was out of question. Because accepting it would surely crush him.

He plopped onto the bed face down, his tears soaking the white sheet. He gripped his duvet with both hands. He hadn’t troubled to make his bed in the morning. There had been no point in it, he had known that he would crawl back into it in the evening and no one would use it in between.

He cried for an hour and it was an okay time, considering what his average was. His eyes weren’t bloodshot for no reason. Crying had become his most common pastime in the evenings. No matter what he did, how careful he was not to make anything to upset him, he always found something to make him cry, because the things devastating him weren’t in the world around him, but in him, hidden in his thoughts.

He took off his T-shirt and jeans and slipped under the duvet without washing. He pulled the warm cover on his head and listened to the silence. His bed was huge, there was plenty of space for two, but he still slept in the middle, because he didn’t have to share it.

“Good night, Erik Durm!” He whispered, not believing for a moment that the next few hours could be any better than his day had been.


	2. Morning News

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so grateful that so many of you have given a chance to this rather dark and hard-to-read story. I hope that you will stick with Erik (and me) and will keep reading. As always, if you'd like to, share your thoughts in the comments, I will be happy to read them and answer. :-)

Erik woke up to casual bumps coming from the staircase. The lift was going without a stop as well. He heard male voices shouting. He only caught half sentences of their conversation, but it was already enough for him to know who they were: movers.

The realization surged through him as a sudden wave that washed away all other thoughts. He had this flat as his only refuge, the one place where he didn’t have to pretend anything for anyone, where he really could be himself, even if that someone was a miserable and broken young man, and now, this last haven on earth would be taken away from him.

He checked his clock. It was still early in the morning, especially for moving. This couldn’t be just a regular company. Erik had his own experience with them, and their workers rarely showed up before long after the agreed time. No, these movers were working diligently, and as far as Erik could assess it from the scraps of conversation he overheard, they were extremely organized.

Not that it was any of his business. The news about a neighbor troubled him, because he didn’t want to be pried on and the only thing he really liked about his current apartment was its seclusion, but he couldn’t stop the world and expect that everything would go according his wishes. Mostly, because they never did and he had had the opportunity to experience it. This bitter thought curled his lips downwards, and he quickly tossed on his other side.

He wanted to forget about the neighbor. He had hoped that this day would start a little bit better and the unexpected news crushed his faith. He needed to go back to sleep, because the few undisturbed hours they meant protected him from the gloominess of real life. He pulled his blanket over his head and buried his face in the soft fabric. It smelled from his misery and he threw it away, curling up in a ball and forcing his eyes shut, waiting for the liberating sleep.

It wouldn’t come and just when he was about to drift away, he heard the sound of a drill from the other flat. He let out a frustrated sigh and hauled himself off the bed. Moving so early was one thing, but making changes in your own flat was far from being acceptable. The limits of Erik’s patience were low and they had definitely been crossed. He grabbed the first T-shirt from the little pile on his nightstand and put it on. He also reached for trousers, but after the first three unsuccessful attempts to take them on, he tossed them into the corner and stormed out of his bedroom, fuming. He hurried through the living room and the hall, his steps an uneven rhythm because of his limping. Based on the sounds coming through the door, the movers were now carrying something big and heavy, because there were curses and heaves.

“What the hell do you think you are doing?!” Erik tore the door open and stepped out of his flat.

The workers looked at him in unison, shooting him a questioning glance after they ran their eyes over him. He couldn’t be a sight compelling respect in his creased T-shirt and underwear. They recognized him, that much he saw, and it only furthered their bewilderment. A footballer wasn’t supposed to be so grumpy and unpresentable. Erik still awaited their answer, although by now, he was pretty sure that it wouldn’t come. He breathed heavily and leaned against his doorframe, his arms crossed before his chest.

“What is the problem?” A young man around Erik’s age rushed out of the other apartment, looking very busy. It was clear that sun didn’t see his skin very often and he didn’t look capable of lifting any of the boxes lined up in front of Erik’s door. He even had a clip board and a fucking headset! How important did he think he was? Erik already hated him. “Oh”, he said when he noticed Erik and smiled at him. He walked over to him, offering his head. “I am truly sorry about the noise, but we must get ready before the offices open. We must be considerate of their working hours.”

“What about my sleeping hours?” Erik groused. He looked at the offered hand with contempt. It still took the other man some seconds to understand that they wouldn’t get acquainted and he let his arm drop rather lamely.

“The moving was announced a week ago. Haven’t you read the notification on the elevator’s door?”

This was fucking perfect! Not only he would get a new neighbor very soon, he would get an annoying and self-important neighbor who just wouldn’t shut up and of course did everything right and according to rules and laws. “I never use the lift.” Erik said. “Just tell your workers to keep it down.” He admitted his defeat, because after all, there was nothing he could complain about. Most people wouldn’t have even noticed this little inconvenience, it was his fault that he overreacted so much.

“Oh, they aren’t exactly my people.” The other corrected him. “I am only hear to make sure that everything will be ready for Mr. Keller. I am his personal assistant.” He explained and Erik couldn’t believe his ears.

Who the hell this Mr. Keller was? He had to be a big fish if he had a personal assistant who now beamed at Erik with that feigned happiness he was supposed to show his boss all the time. Of course he couldn’t feel at the peak of his career just because he was the one some wealthy businessman sent for coffee or to take care of everything he couldn’t be bothered to do himself. Erik cursed inwardly and hated his bad fortune. Could his life become any worse? He spun around without a word and slammed the door in front of the little pipsqueak’s face.

He leaned back against the wall and stared at the ceiling for a moment. This couldn’t be true. Not only he would have to accept his own misery and failure, from now on, he would also have to deal with a stupid businessman who would surely boast with every little success whenever he had the opportunity to do so. And Erik had no illusions about such people; they were where they were for a reason and were known for finding and creating opportunities for themselves.

He recalled the name he had seen on one of the boxes. Rudolf Keller. If there was anything worth knowing about him, Erik was sure that he would find it on the internet. He had the feeling that he had already read about him in the past, but he couldn’t remember, where. If he really was a famous businessman, maybe there was an article about him or his way up. Erik stumbled over to the living room and opened the lid of his notebook. He waited dreamily for the system to start and listened to the sound of drills.

When he opened his web browser, for a moment he considered if he really was interested in knowing more about his neighbor. Maybe he would be better off with being ignorant. Maybe he could find a way to avoid meeting this businessman. Most probably, he wouldn’t be at home a lot of the time anyways. If he really was that successful, he would need to be on the way all the time and sign contracts and go to meetings, supervising how his business was doing.

Even if it was so, Erik gathered that it wouldn’t be bad to be prepared for the worst and know what he was about to face. He typed the name into the search bar and pressed the button, waiting anxiously for the results. The website responded only in a split second, but Erik wished it had taken it much longer, because the articles he saw shocked him.

Why had everything in the world conspired to make his life as horrible as it could get? He had already had to face the cruelty of life day after day and he barely found the strength to wake up and keep going. From now on, he would surely have it even harder to find the motivation to crawl out of his bed and leave his apartment. Not when he knew who he might have to face outside.

Now he remembered where he had seen the name. It actually was ridiculous that he hadn’t remembered it earlier. Rudolf Keller had been on the front pages of every major tabloid newspaper, and for most of them, he made regular appearances. He was the most obnoxious and frustrating celebrity, and Erik knew that he was fucked.

This surely couldn’t get any worse.


	3. The Newcomer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is finally time for Erik to meet his new neighbor. I hope you will like this chapter. I can't tell you how happy you make me with your feedback and the many hits. It is hard to believe that so many of you have given this story a chance. Thank you all! :-)

In fact, it was much worse than Erik had expected. He closed his flat as soon as he got over the shock of realizing who his new neighbor was and he hoped that Rudolf Keller wouldn’t notice him, but it was vain hope. The movers left just before nine, and at half past ten, someone arrived with the elevator. Erik heard the assistant’s voice as he explained to someone what they had done in the first phase of the moving. Erik was particularly troubled by the expression ‘ _first_ phase’, but he soon found other things to worry about, because right next, the topic of the conversation changed to a party. He didn’t hear much before the two men entered the apartment across the hall, but what he had heard was enough to make him panic.

If this new celebrity wanted to celebrate his moving in, he would surely think about inviting his new neighbor and that would mean a visit to Erik, something the brunet didn’t want. He mused about slipping out of his flat, but he eventually decided against. First of all, he had nowhere to go, and anyways, he would risk being noticed if he showed up in the stairwell. No, he needed to stay where he was, pretend not to be at home and somehow survive this day. Everything would be better tomorrow, he kidded himself, and he spent hours trying to convince himself.

The constant rummaging next doors didn’t help him at all. Three vans stopped in front of the house and delivery guys brought up huge boxes to their story, proving Erik’s suspicion right. There would be a party in the evening indeed, and he was waiting frustrated for the invitation. It came sometime after noon. He wasn’t even surprised that it was the assistant who knocked on the door. “Mr. Durm, are you at home?” He asked. Erik muted his TV and didn’t answer. The other man gave up after two minutes and he retreated into his boss’s new home.

Erik sighed. What was he supposed to do? Rudolf Keller was the worst possible candidate for a neighbor. Erik would muse about moving away if he knew that the man was living in the same neighborhood as him! What he was going to do now, when only a small hallway separated their homes?

Keller was a celebrity through and through. He hadn’t accomplished anything in his life, he just lived off his father’s money and sold himself in the yellow press over and over again. There wasn’t a month when nothing spicy was revealed about him. Photographers followed him everywhere, because his presence was almost a guarantee for something interesting to happen. How could Erik live in his misery undisturbed if this dickhead was going to attract all the scribblers from the major tabloids?

He of course knew the answer. There was no way he could do it. Keller would make his life even more miserable and he would have to find a way to accept that. He was in no mood to move and that wouldn’t change anything anyways. His misery didn’t stem from his surroundings but from somewhere inside him.

The assistant tried two more times, but Erik ignored him on both occasions. His last attempt came around six, when he was leaving and Erik just decided to call it a day and fall asleep before this party would start. He didn’t succeed.

The first guests arrived before seven and with each new arrival, the music next doors became louder until they reached a point when the walls between Erik and the loudspeakers didn’t matter anymore. He heard everything as clearly as if he was lying next to a few thousand watts strong device.

He tossed and turned in his bed, hoping that some magical spell would make him deaf for a few hours, but it didn’t happen. His frustration and anger rose, and at nine, he decided that he had had enough. He sprung up and changed into his casual clothes. He didn’t care about how he looked like, he was too furious to care. He opened his door and tore it open. He thumped through the hall and banged on Keller’s door so powerfully that the door hinges cried out in pain. He needed to do it to have at least a small hope of the people inside hearing him. The music here was too loud for Erik’s ears and when the door in front of him was opened, the wave of sound made him take a few steps back.

He immediately recognized the face of the man opening the door for him. Rudolf Keller was his age, and the perfect example of a spoiled child. He had a haircut for at least a hundred euros – not that it made any difference, it didn’t suit him at all –, and his brown eyes were dull from the alcohol he had consumed in the last two hours. His nose was thin but elegant and his cheeks were perfectly rounded. Maybe too perfectly, but Erik didn’t want to suppose that the man standing in front of him wore make-up. It would have been too much even coming from a celebrity like him.

“Wow! Erik Durm! You really came! I knew I could trust Patrik!” He shouted. He was unable to form a sentence longer than a few words. The sound of his party almost drowned his voice. It was childish and clearly changed by the alcohol. “Come in, man!”

“No, I don’t want to disturb for a long time…” Erik started. Why was he polite to this man at all? He had just ruined his evening he was supposed to spend sulking and cursing his life, curled up in his bed.

“Don’t talk bullshit! You really live here? I mean– like really?!” Rudolf yelled.

“Yes, I live next doors.” Erik nodded. “And that’s just it. I was about to go sleeping–”

“But your heating ain’t working.” Keller finished his sentence. It wasn’t accurate at all. After all, it was mid-September, and far from being cold. “I’ve got you, dude! Come in! You can sleep on my couch!”

“Thanks, but that’s not what I meant.” Erik smiled. He was annoyed, and realized early that he wouldn’t get Keller understand his problem any time soon. “The music is too loud!” He changed his approach. Maybe telling the other man directly what he wanted would work. Keller wouldn’t remember anything of their talk anyways.

“It is loud, isn’t it?” Rudolf agreed proudly, selecting from Erik’s words. “I’ve got ten walls in my living room. You wanna check them?” He pointed at the direction where a smaller crowd of people was dancing to some music you couldn’t dance to.

“No!” Erik had lost his patience. “Turn it off! I want to sleep!” He yelled at the other man and Keller stumbled back taken aback. He looked at Erik as if he didn’t know whom he was seeing and maybe he didn’t remember their conversation at all.

“Okay, chill out, dude!” He laughed. “You really won’t come in?” He asked.

Erik swallowed down another outburst and he only let out a frustrated groan. He spun around and stormed back into his apartment, but not quick enough not to hear Keller’s excited shouting. “Guys! Have you turned down the volume or what? We are having a party!” He yelled before he slammed his door shut.

Erik couldn’t help it, the moment he entered his flat and closed his door again, he burst out laughing. This was too absurd to be true. He, the sad and unfortunate footballer who had always been shy and reserved, would have to deal with the biggest party face in Dortmund. It had to be fate or God or whatever, but Erik had to admit that it had a special sense of humor. A sense of humor he unfortunately couldn’t appreciate.

He undressed again and climbed onto his bed. He reached for a book. He hadn’t been a big reader in his teenage years, but slowly he started to pick up novels. Whenever he surfed the internet, he saw happy faces on the social media, and he was sick of it. Books gave him company he enjoyed. Most of what he read were dark and heavy reads, but they were perfect for his mood.

The party didn’t get any quieter, and around midnight, the guests decided to call the stairwell their own, too. The chatter grew louder and some leaned against Erik’s door, making the brunet gulp whenever he heard a thump against it. He feared that all those impudent folks would somehow get into his apartment and wouldn’t leave him alone. But, his prayers had been heard, and it didn’t come to it. Eventually, they got tired and started to leave one by one. The music stopped right at four and Erik could finally fall asleep. Sleep wasn’t as welcoming as it used to be, though. He dreamed of all the horrible things he would have to endure in the next months or maybe years next to Rudolf Keller.


	4. Hangover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your ongoing support, I hope you are still following the story. I know it is rather dark, but I'm sure there will be enough light moments for it to remain enjoyable. Please, let me know with your feedback if it is so. :-)

Erik didn’t sleep a lot. He woke up not long after sunrise. Strangely enough, he didn’t feel anything, and it already was an accomplishment compared to the awful mood he had gotten used to in the last days, ever since his operation. The doctors had warned him that it could be so and they advised him to visit a psychologist to help him deal with accepting that he might not be able to play football for a few weeks or even months. Erik didn’t like the idea of opening up to a stranger. He didn’t tell everything he felt to his own friends, why would he do that to a doctor?

So he had gratefully accepted the pills against pain, especially because he had found out in the hospital that they also made him feel carefree and happy. It was only temporary, but Erik welcomed this short liberation. Not that he became an addict. The pills were still in his bathroom, put away, only two or three missing. He wasn’t that unreasonable even in his depression to risk ruining his career completely before he could resume it. The medication was his last lifeline, something he would only reach for if nothing else remained for him. And so far, there always had been a second option, but he wasn’t sure how much time he had before it would change.

His shopping from the day before yesterday frightened him. He remembered the longing he felt when he looked at the alcohol and it sent shivers down his spine. What if he was too deep in depression already? What if there was no help for him anymore? He had been quite content with his solitude, mostly because he didn’t want to admit his problems to others, and he had thought that he could deal with it alone. At first, it only looked like a small downfall. He had been sure that he would be over it in a few days. Only, it didn’t happen, and the fact that he was relieved to feel nothing was truly unsettling.

He couldn’t think about it for long, because his musings were interrupted with a knock on his door. Erik cursed under his breath. He had no doubts about who his early guest was. His teammates – if they visited him, which was rare; half of them didn’t even know where he lived – always announced their arrival earlier, and no one ever came to this level from the offices. It could only be Keller, or his annoying personal assistant.

The faint knock was repeated a few seconds later, and Erik hauled himself off the bed. He considered getting dressed, but in the end, he decided that he wanted to be done with this as quickly as possible. He wasn’t ashamed of his body. The days spent lying lazily made him gain a few extra grams, but he was still satisfied with his looks; one of the few things he was happy about in his life.

Halfway towards his front door, he realized what exactly feeling nothing meant. The dull pain in his leg that he had felt every morning since his operation, was gone. He wouldn’t have to massage his knee to be able to start the day, and his limping was more a result of habit than needed inconvenience to avoid the pain. Erik did something he hadn’t done in a long time: smiled. Only if he could have enjoyed this moment to the fullest, without having to deal with one of two bad possibilities.

When he opened the door, he found out that it was the worse option after all. Rudolf Keller looked like a zombie who had just climbed out of his grave. But no, not even a corpse could be this pale and wrung out. His eyes sparkled, but it was only the remainder of the alcohol in his organism, not a sign of life. A thin line of dried saliva ran down his chin from the corner of his mouth.

What Erik found the most troubling was that Keller wasn’t dressed any more properly than he. This spoiled brat had an impressive body. He had muscles, Erik had to admit that, but they were mainly a show. It was clear that Keller worked out only for the looks and not to gain usable strength. The proof of it were his rather weak legs, although Erik had to force his eyes to look lower than the young man’s groin. Not that he felt any affection for his new neighbor. It was another habit stemming from his desperation. He checked out every male in his surrounding, only to remind himself that he couldn’t get any of them.

“Um, hi!” Keller said sheepishly. He didn’t impress like a celebrity at all. He was more like a guilty teenager who had climbed out of bed and tried to ask his parents to take care of him and his hangover. His breath smelled of whisky and Erik feared that he would get drunk only from the aroma.

“Good morning!” Erik said, reserved.

“Sorry about last night if it was unpleasant anyhow.” Keller stammered. “Things got out of control pretty early.” He couldn’t close his mouth before he burped.

“I noticed that.” Erik nodded. Keller didn’t remember their talk in the evening, or at least it seemed to be so.

“Anyhow, I was wondering if you had any painkillers at home. My head is heavier than ever and I could swear there are little dwarves in there hammering something really loud.” Keller rubbed his temples and Erik had a hard time not to laugh. He wasn’t the person to be pleased with others’ misfortune, because he had his own to bring him down most of the time, but Keller got only what he deserved. It was a good sign for him to realize that he wasn’t such an invulnerable human being as he considered himself to be.

“I’m sure I have.” Erik said. He didn’t know why he was helping this guy. He couldn’t tell you one positive about this celeb-kid, and yet, he couldn’t leave him in such a misery, not when help wouldn’t cost him anything at all. “Come on in!” Erik opened the door completely and started off towards the bathroom.

“Thanks.” Keller sighed and made a faltering step forward. For a second, it looked like he would tumble, but he somehow kept his balance and leaned against the wall.

Erik didn’t leave him alone for a long time. Not that he feared that Keller would rob him, but he suspected that what had gone in during the night might want to come out soon – if it hadn’t happened already, and he didn’t want it to happen in his hall. And of course, he didn’t want to give Keller a chance to look around more thoroughly and see any sign of his real life. He was quite content with what they knew about each other.

“Here you have it.” He arrived with the bottle and put a pill on Keller’s palm.

“Um, I usually take two.” Keller drawled.

“From this one, one will be enough.” Erik explained.

“Whoah, some drugs or enhancers?” Keller winked at him smugly.

“No.” Erik raised his voice. How could this ungrateful bastard suppose something like that of him right when he was helping him for no good reason? He was wrong with believing even for a moment that Keller could be different than the public image he had painted of himself. This guy wasn’t acting for the press at all. He was the jerk everyone thought him to be. “Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to carry on with my day.” Erik said in a tone that gave no space for any doubts about what he had really meant with it.

“Um, yes, I’m– sorry I troubled you.” Keller hung his head low and stumbled out of Erik’s flat with careful steps. Erik watched him walk through the hallway and enter his own apartment, but the brunet closed the door before the other one would turn around and see him again.

What was wrong with him? Did he honestly care about this no-one? Did he feel bad for snapping at him? Keller deserved it! Why would Erik have pangs of conscience for him drinking more than he should have and asking for painkillers from his neighbor, and instead of simply thanking him, insulting him? But then, was it really an insult? Or did Erik overreact only because Keller mentioned the possibility he was the most afraid of?

He looked at the small plastic bottle in his hand and he rushed into the toilet. He flushed down its content and threw the container into the bin. Now, this was done. He didn’t have to worry about it anymore. He was healthy and on his way to recovery. In a few days, he could have his leg checked by the team doctor and maybe he would be able to start with rehab. Yes, that’s what was going to happen. If only he could believe it…


	5. A Friend?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been some time since I last updated, but I'm back with the story and will probably return to updates on Monday. Thank you for staying tuned, if you liked the chapter, please, share your thoughts with me, I'm always interested in your opinion. :-)

Keller didn’t show himself for the rest of the day, and Erik couldn’t express how grateful he was for that. He had already gotten his daily Keller-dose, even more than that. He would have started his routine, if only he had had one. Since his knee operation, his days were all alike: waking up, doing nothing, forcing some food into himself and then falling asleep as soon as possible. But maybe this morning presented something different. His leg didn’t hurt anymore, maybe he could go for a walk?

No, it wasn’t a good idea. Every time he had gone out into the city, he returned home more depressed than when he had left. He just couldn’t bear to see all the happy faces of his fans who recognized him and ran to him excited, asking for his autograph. And he had to play along… He couldn’t allow himself to show them his real face. So he put on a smile, one that didn’t mean anything, and pretended to enjoy the admiration he got, when in fact, he would have liked to cry out in pain and ask for attention and care. He didn’t need fans. He needed support, someone to hear him out and help him out of his horrible state. Why couldn’t anyone see that?

Of course, his mother had seen it. She had seen it much earlier than Erik noticed how serious his depression was. He had gone to his parents after his operation first, and spent two days there. It was supposed to be a week, but he couldn’t stay there any longer. His mother, the nicest person Erik had ever known, looked at him with the mixture of pity, concern and worry. His presence wasn’t doing her any good, and Erik couldn’t take it anymore. He could not make his mother that sad. He had to leave.

And the avalanche had started. Each day, he made a new step down the bottomless pit his life had become. It was nothing much, there was no drastic change and that was the most frightening thing about it. It just felt like he was sliding deeper and deeper and before he knew it, the light was gone and he didn’t know anymore where was up and where was down. He was lost and he needed someone to show him the way out. He needed help and he knew it, but he was too afraid to ask for it.

His pride and brain stopped him from doing so. His heart cried constantly, but its weeping was muted by his brain’s steel-hard wall. Nothing was allowed to get out through it, and the only good thing was that it didn’t let anything in, either. People had disappointed him so many times, he didn’t trust them anymore. Surely, even if he asked for help, they would only laugh at him and pat his shoulders and tell him to stop this childish nonsense and grow up. No one could understand him. How could they if he didn’t understand himself?

No, _he_ had to do it. He had to find the way out. He had to fight his demons and come out of this battle victoriously. His life was in his own hands, there was no point in hoping that a helping hand would come. It hadn’t come in the past months and there would be no miraculous do-gooder appearing in his life and helping him unselfishly. No, he would come out of this slump alone. His heart filled with new strength. Yes, it wasn’t impossible! He was going to make it!

The next moment, he sighed and his shoulders slumped. He was alone and the knowledge of it almost killed him. He was weak and he couldn’t fight alone. He didn’t have the strength to carry on. How many times had he come to this determination only to give up the next day? It was a hopeless undertaking and he didn’t even know why he still believed. Instead, he should get used to living his life this way, because as far as he could tell, this depression would be his reality for the upcoming months? Years? The rest of his life? He couldn’t care.

He felt the urge to cry, but the suffocating feeling in his throat vanished when the doorbell buzzed. He walked over to the intercom. He looked at the small display and saw his teammate Matze standing in front of the door. Erik took a deep breath and pressed the button to open the door for his friend. Matze pushed the door in, and seconds later, Erik heard the elevator start. He opened his front door and walked into the kitchen to prepare coffee for Matze. He would know where to find him.

“Hey, Erik!” The younger one entered his flat and closed the door behind him. He walked into the kitchen cheerfully, the typical lightness of a young man visible in his movement. How much Erik wished he had the same carelessness!

“Hi!” The brunet nodded when his friend finally came into his sight. Matze didn’t wait for him to say anything, he sat down right away and got the sugar bowl. _Yeah, sure, feel yourself at home, don’t even notice me_ , Erik groused in himself. Matze’s behavior was annoying. Did he just happen to be thirsty and did he think that Erik made good coffee, or was there another reason for his visit?

“Hey, do you have a new neighbor or what? I saw a luxury car outside I haven’t seen yet.” Matze asked, inspecting closely a sugar cube.

“Yeah, Rudolf fucking Keller.” Erik said and got two cups out of his cupboard.

“You’re kidding, right?” Matze laughed. Erik shot him a cutting glance. He didn’t find it as funny as his friend did. “Well, in that case, my deepest condolences. That guy is a prick.”

“Thank you, it helps a lot.” Erik growled and he got another laugh from Matze.

“Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed.”

Erik was about to pour boiling water into their cups, but he froze. No, he had been wrong. He didn’t want anyone to find out about his mood. He panicked and had problem getting air into his lungs. What if Matze knew? Surely, he would start teasing him and despising him for his weakness the next moment. He glanced cautiously at his teammate, but the blond didn’t look particularly interested in his state and Erik let out a sigh of relief. He finished the coffee and walked over to the table with the two cups.

“Wow, you don’t limp anymore!” Matze cried out. “Is your leg feeling better?”

“It actually is.” Erik sat down and smiled. “I think I will show it to the doctor tomorrow and tell him I’m ready to start rehab.”

“Whoa, not so fast! You should take it slowly and don’t rush anything.”

“You can’t imagine what this feels like!” Erik snapped. “Sitting at home, doing nothing. The biggest excitement I get is from some stupid reality shows! I want to be back on the pitch, get back into the team and fight and show the world that we haven’t forgotten how to play football. I’ve had a great pre-season and I was looking forward to this season so much. Instead, I’m trapped in here, slowly rotting.”

“All I’m saying is that you should hear the doctor out before forcing your way into rehab. What if there will be a complication because you aren’t patient enough? It would only prolong your ‘rotting’.” Matze explained. “I’m only concerned about you.”

_Then why the fuck haven’t you visited me earlier, huh?_ Erik wanted to ask him, but he swallowed back the bile rising in him. He took another deep breath and looked at his friend. Matze didn’t look concerned, at all. But Erik could understand him. His life was perfect. He had found a place in the team after a hard season, even if not on his natural position, but he was doing surprisingly well as a right back. He also had a beautiful girlfriend, and he didn’t need a sulking friend buried in depression. Erik wouldn’t want one in his position, for sure.

“Thanks.” He nodded finally.

“Anytime.” Matze shrugged. “If you need something, you can call me, you know that, right?”

“Hey, I’m on my way to recovery, don’t make me a cripple who can’t take care of himself.” Erik noted and they started to laugh.

It was incredible. He had never been good at witty remarks, but in the middle of his depression, he had no problem finding the right words to bring some lighthearted moments into his talks. Of course, there was no meaning behind them, but if he could make others laugh and stop them from trying to figure out what was wrong with him, it was more than enough. He pretended to enjoy his conversation with Matze and when the blond stood up, Erik expressed how sorry he was that Matze had to leave already. He was getting good at it. He even walked out with Matze, like a good host would. It wasn’t a good idea. As he watched his friend step into the elevator, he could have sworn he felt Keller’s gaze on him through the peephole.


	6. Ungrounded Joy

No matter what Matze might have said, Erik went to the training ground full of expectations and plans. This was his chance. He could start training again and play football. Would it be enough? Probably not, but it would take his mind off scarier things. He needed that sort of distraction, because in his solitude, he had been overthinking many things, and for the first time since long, he had woken up happy and energized. This was his way out of this ditch he had found himself in.

He came early, because he didn’t want to meet his teammates. Not yet. He still felt hurt that they hadn’t visited him at all, apart from Matze, and even that was too little and too late. He was alone, and he was going to get through this on his own. He had rung up the team doctor at least six times the previous day, because he had wanted to make sure that he had arranged an appointment with him, and everything would go smoothly. He could use some good news after his dark days.

He found himself humming a sweet melody on his way down the corridor. It was one of those bubblegum songs that came to your mind out of nowhere and stuck with you for the rest of the day, making all colors brighter and your lips curl up in smile. Of course, they also got on your nerves and after a few hours, you would be ready to kill whoever had written them, but they had been written that way for a reason.

Erik knew that he could expect the doctor to be there, he was a reliable man and was always available when any of the players needed him, but he was still relieved when he saw the door to the examination room waiting for him wide open, looking at him invitingly. And Erik didn’t hesitate to step in. He knocked on the doorframe and entered with a big smile on his face. It wasn’t completely fake, but he wasn’t quite honest, either. He was afraid. There still was that other possibility, the one he didn’t want to think of.

What if the doctor would tell him bad news? What if he wasn’t ready? What if he would be sentenced to another week in his flat, watching reruns of old TV series, munching on chips and flushing it with coke? It might not have been the most sportsmanlike diet, but that’s what Erik had gotten used to in the past days.

“Good morning, Erik! All smiles, I see!” The doctor replied to his grin.

“I hope you won’t bring me down, Thomas!”

Erik nodded and walked over to the examination table, making sure that he crossed in front of the older man, showing him that there was no limping. If the doctor noticed it at all, he didn’t let it show. He put on his professional mask and showed Erik to lie down.

He put his fingers on Erik’s leg and started to press on it in various points. “Just tell me when it hurts.”

It didn’t. Erik exhaled audibly. Everything was right again. He could run again, in a few days even start practicing with the ball, and then… Thomas had found something, because there was a jolt of pain running up and down in Erik’s body and he had a hard time controlling his face. He couldn’t let his pain show. It meant nothing, anyways. Thomas had pressed a nerve deliberately hard, just to be safe and convince him that he needed another few days of rest.

“Well?” Thomas looked at him from under his eyebrows.

Erik took a second of pause, considering his options. Should he really lie about it? He might be risking an even more serious injury, then. But, at the same time, he needed to do something. Surely, he could start with rehab, taking small steps. He would be willing to go slower, but he needed to get out of his place, it was urgent. After Keller’s moving in, even more than ever.

“Nothing.” Erik shook his head, crossing the line of plain stupidity.

“I see.” Thomas mused out loud. “Well, I’m sorry, Erik, but you’ll have to wait a bit longer. A week or two.”

“No, you must be joking!” Erik snapped and hauled himself off the table. Thomas took a step back, just to make sure that he avoided a collision with the footballer. “There was no pain at all! I’m ready.”

“Are you sure?” Thomas gave him that all-knowing look. Erik couldn’t fool him. He had been too slow with composing himself, and his pain had been visible. Now, there was no way that he could convince the doctor.

“Yes, there was nothing!” He tried nonetheless, and Thomas looked at him with a good deal of disappointment. _I wanted to give you a chance to get away with it, Erik_ , his eyes told the brunet.

“Erik, your injury was serious and the operation a difficult one. You can’t urge things. Let your body heal in its own time.”

“No, you can’t do that! I need to be on the pitch again!” Erik shouted and stood up. Thomas measured his face for a long moment.

“What do you mean, Erik? I know how much football means to you, but you can’t go on risking your own health, I won’t assist in that.” The doctor explained. He was concerned.

“You don’t know how much football means to me!” Erik yelled. He really needed to stop himself. Otherwise, he could blurt out something that was no-one’s business.

“Have you seen the specialist I recommended you?”

“I don’t need to see a shrink! I’m not sick!” Erik rolled his eyes.

“I haven’t said that.” Thomas held his gaze. “But, this is a big shock for you, and you might need someone to help you through it. She could help you a lot, Erik. I tell you that as your friend, not your doctor.”

“If you were my friend, you’d give me a chance.” Erik retorted. He was bargaining now. Not a good sign and definitely not the best way to prove that everything was right with him.

“You know what? I’m in.” Thomas said, and it surprised Erik above all.

The doctor led him to a treadmill and set it up. Erik watched the conveyor belt start moving. It didn’t look fast at all, he would surely manage that speed. He looked for a final time at the doctor, but Thomas didn’t show a sign that he was kidding him. Erik grabbed the handle and stepped onto the belt.

It was a huge moment for him and he gritted his teeth when he started walking. It wasn’t more than walking, maybe at a titbit higher pace than what he was used to. He put one leg after the other and with each passing second, his confidence grew. He didn’t feel any pain! He was healthy! He had been right, Thomas had just hit a nerve! Even a healthy leg would cry out in pain if treated badly.

But Erik’s leg wasn’t healthy. After maybe fifteen seconds, his leg gave in and he would have fallen down if Thomas hadn’t grabbed him. He turned off the machine and helped Erik on his feet again. He could stand, but it wasn’t very easy and he kept holding onto the treadmill.

“Any more complaints?” Thomas asked. Erik was quiet. “Go home, Erik, and rest a lot. You’re not ready to come back. Not yet. And the more you try to urge it, the longer it will take. Trust me, I’ve been treating injuries like this all my life.”

“You set it up deliberately hard!” Erik accused him all of a sudden. “It was too fast and too steep, you know that!”

“Erik.” Thomas calmed him down. He grabbed him by his shoulders. “It was the easiest possible setup. Your leg hasn’t healed properly, and you shouldn’t strain it. I suspect that after this little experiment, you might start to limp again. Just go home and sit and lie as much as possible for a day or two. Then, you can take short strolls. Come back after two weeks, we’ll check your leg again then.”

_Well, thanks for nothing!_ Erik wanted to shout. Instead, he took a deep breath, shook off Thomas’s hands and started off towards the door. He had failed. He hung his head low as he limped out of the room. Had it always been this big? Or was it only his shame that had made this short walk feel so long?

“And Erik?” Thomas called after him. The brunet knew what was coming. “Call Dr. Hahn. She will help you.”

Erik didn’t stop and didn’t turn back. He continued on his way, walking down the corridor, repeating just one sentence over and over.

_I don’t need help._


	7. Two Acts of Care

Erik almost caused four accidents on his drive home. He couldn’t believe what had happened to him. It couldn’t be true. Surely, he would wake up any moment now in his bed, soaked in sweat, and it would be a deliberating rouse from this nightmare.

But, there was no way out of reality. This was really happening to him and he better accepted it instead of cherishing a dream that simply wouldn’t become true. He was still injured and his leg couldn’t take training yet. The dull pain suddenly strengthening whenever he stepped on the pedal reminded him of that often enough.

He stopped in front of the house he was living in with a huge screech. He sprang out of his car, as much as his leg allowed him to, and burst into the building. He didn’t want to see anyone. He wanted to get into his flat, close the door and take a few– fuck, he had flushed down all the painkillers! How could have he been such an idiot? He needed those damn pills! He couldn’t endure the pain! And now, what was he supposed to do? He couldn’t go back to the team doctor. It was still too early for him to have used all the painkillers he had gotten anyways. It looked like Thomas was firmly convinced that he was in a serious depression, he didn’t need him checking on him, afraid that he had always become a drug addict.

He started up the stairs, but his leg sent out vibrations of complaint after the first three steps and Erik turned back. He walked over to the elevator and called it. It had never happened before and the sound of the motor starting and lowering the cabin now scared him.

Had this lift always been so fucking slow? He drummed on the metal door. When it finally opened with a welcoming cling, Erik rushed into the cabin and smashed on the last button. Another little signal warned him about the doors closing and the next second, he was moving. If only there existed an elevator that would take him out of his slump! Why wasn’t everything so easy in life? Why did it always have to be a setback when things started working out? Why couldn’t it just be a bit easier? Erik didn’t ask for much. He just needed two or three troubling thoughts less, and he would be able to deal with his life.

Of course, he got one more thing to worry about, instead. As the lift came to a halt and he stepped out into the hallway, another door was opened and Keller appeared in his doorway. It had been a day since Erik had last seen him, but nothing had vanished from the anger he had felt for him the morning before. So he did the polite thing and tried to ignore him. He simply saw through him and walked towards his own flat.

It would have been so great. He wouldn’t have gotten into a conversation he didn’t want to have and would most probably lead into a fight. But, Keller had other plans and he had to speak up. It was typical. He couldn’t keep his mouth shut when it was needed. He had a fucking perfect life and couldn’t recognize a man in despair. Yes, there were times when you didn’t need anyone talking to you, only let you sulk alone and check on you a few hours or maybe days later. It was such a time for Erik, but it wouldn’t be granted to him.

“Rough day, huh?” Keller noted with his annoying smugness. Erik pretended not to hear him, but the other man wouldn’t let it go that easily. He stepped behind the brunet and put his hand on his arm.

It was a huge mistake. Erik spun around, ready to strike and he wasn’t sure what had stopped him. His eyes were raging though, and his nostrils were widened with his anger. Even he was scared of himself and so he wasn’t surprised when Keller pulled back frightened.

“What do you want?” Erik spat.

“Oh, I just wanted to repay you the favor you did to me yesterday.” Keller stuttered. He reached into his pocket and brought out a blister pack of tablets. He offered it to Erik who looked at it baffled. “Painkillers. The strongest I got in the drug store without a recipe.”

Erik didn’t know what to say. He didn’t say anything. He simply got the pills and continued unlocking his door. Before he could disappear in the relative safety of his apartment, Keller called after him. “Whatever is wrong with you, I hope it gets better soon.”

_Yes, sure it will, you idiot_ , Erik mumbled. He wanted to be mad at Keller. After all, the guy had disturbed him and taken away the chance for him to pity himself. Really, Keller deserved to be hated even for existing, as long as Erik was concerned. He shouldn’t have moved in here, he had ruined Erik’s life completely with that.

But, at the same time, Erik couldn’t be mad at him. His last sentence had been one hundred percent sincere. For a moment, it looked like this Keller had some human feelings in him and could actually care about others than himself. Maybe it shouldn’t have been such a huge surprise, but to Erik, it was. In his world, Keller had a reserved place among the hugest douchebags and that reservation was for life. It couldn’t be that he had misjudged him.

No, Keller was just playing with him. He would try to get his favor, his trust, and then make fun of him. Yes, that was his plan, but it wouldn’t come through, Erik was going to make sure about it. He wasn’t a little child to play with, and if Keller wanted to do that, he would learn his lesson the hard way.

He would have fumed for longer, but his leg hurt too much and he needed to see to it. He limped into the kitchen, poured himself a glass of water and quickly swallowed two pills. Douchebag or not, this little present from Keller came in handy.

He swallowed down the cold water in huge gulps. He then went into his living room and turned on the TV. It was a mistake. A sport channel appeared, broadcasting a football match. Erik almost pressed the ON/OFF button into the remote control before he tossed the control onto the floor and buried his head in his hand.

He fell asleep that way and he was woken up by his doorbell’s buzz. For a moment, he didn’t know where he was. The painkiller must have been strong indeed, because he could only gawk at the furniture. Then, his doorbell buzzed again and he finally hauled himself off the armchair.

The shadows had become longer in his flat, and he could see orange stripes of light on his wall announcing the start of sunset. Great! He had slept through the whole day!

He arrived at the door when the bell buzzed for a third time. He was going to shout at whoever was so impatient. He was about to pick up the receiver of his intercom when he realized that his unwanted visitor was already standing in front of his door, and not down in the street. And that could mean only one thing: Keller was disturbing him again.

Erik rolled his eyes and opened the door as slowly as he could. To his surprise though, it wasn’t the young man looking back at him.

“Can I come in?” Erik’s coach asked.

“Yes, sure.” Erik stammered. He had no idea what Tuchel was doing at his place. “Can I get you something?”

“No, I’m on my way home, I just wanted to check in on you.” The trainer shook his head. “I spoke to the team doctor, Erik. He told me that you are having some trouble.”

_Of course he did_ , Erik groused to himself, but outside, he showed a completely different face. “Oh, that! It was just the spur of the moment! I had been so enthusiastic about getting back on the pitch, I think I overreacted. I’ll call Thomas and apologize to him.”

“That would certainly be a good start.” Tuchel nodded, but didn’t take his eyes off Erik. “But I would be much calmer if I knew that it won’t happen again.”

“It won’t happen again.” Erik repeated immediately.

“Okay, now say it as if it meant something.” Tuchel laughed and Erik shot down his eyes. “Look, Erik, I know how devastating an injury can be. One ended my career. And I’ve been around players who went through horrible injuries, and I know exactly what they have to deal with. It can be much for anyone, and especially for a young player full of passion and lust to prove his value after an unsuccessful season.” He suggested.

“I’m doing fine.” Erik sighed. “I really am.”

“I believe it.” Tuchel said, but something about the way he said it told Erik that it was far from the truth. “Just keep your head up, and not let it change, okay? You are young and have time. The pitch won’t go anywhere. The training center will be there whether you will come back after half a month or half a year. There will always be important matches when you will get your chance. Make sure that you will be ready for those and nothing else!”


	8. A Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you all for still reading this story despite the gloomy atmosphere and the hard topic. I know that it probably isn't an easy read, but I hope that I manage to write it in a decent and realistic way that is still enjoyable to you. Please, don't hesitate to share your thoughts with me, your feedback is invaluable!

Erik had no idea how he had ended up here. He was in no mood for partying or enjoying himself. He couldn’t. Then why had he said yes to Mats’s invitation? Maybe he was weak and believed that after all, his teammates cared about him. He had to laugh just thinking about it. No one cared about him. He was alone and he was better off accepting this simple fact, no matter how hurtful it was. It wasn’t half as bad as standing here in the corner most distant from the center of the party and watching his teammates laughing, joking and talking.

He didn’t feel like at home here. These people were strangers. They didn’t know him and he knew nothing about them. But maybe it was better that way. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to open up to them. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to open up to anyone. He was so used to being on his own, that he slowly started to believe that he didn’t even need anyone else to live his life.

Not everyone was invited to the party, and that’s why Erik had been so surprised that the team captain had called him. He didn’t take part in the last stages of preparation and the first league games. And the team was cruising without him, so his chances of finding a place in the team were getting lower with every day.

Mats, the host was there along with his fellow defenders. Erik thought that it was the only reason he had been invited. After all, he was a defender, even though he didn’t play. Of course, Marco had to be here, too, the star, the shiniest diamond of Borussia Dortmund, and he had brought with him Auba. Erik had come here with Matze. His friend was now talking with Roman Bürki, their new goalkeeper. Erik had come to like him pretty well, and he had thought that they were getting along, but during the time he had spent in hospital and at home, it seems that Matze had called dips on the newcomer.

It was a simple trick and Erik couldn’t really blame Matze for it. He had been the newest member of the team for a season, and now, he had an opportunity to give this role to someone else. That’s why he deliberately spent as much time with Roman as he could in front of their teammates. It was a simple and straightforward message: I’m not the greenhorn anymore. How did Erik know that? He was ashamed of it, but that was just what he had done a year earlier with Matze.

“Aren’t you enjoying the party, Erik?” Someone brought him out of his musings. Not just anyone. Erik recognized the voice immediately.

“It’s okay, I’m just tired.” He turned towards Marco. He had no idea what the winger wanted to talk with him about, but politeness dictated him to at least hear him out.

“How is your leg doing?” Marco asked. He looked curious, but it was only feigned interest. It was incredible how Erik had become an expert in telling apart an honest and an artificial feeling. But then, he had to become better at it if he wanted to fool others.

“Well, it’s hard to tell.” Erik shrugged. “I don’t feel any pain, but if I put it under some pressure and start exercising, it hurts.”

“I see.” Marco sighed and patted the brunet’s shoulder. _Just stop this_ , Erik thought. He wasn’t interested in mandatory compatriotism and sympathy. “I’m sure it will get better soon. You’re in good hands with Thomas. And when you come back, you will be better than ever.”

“ _If_ I come back.” The words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop them. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to–” He hurried to explain himself. Shit, he had to be more careful about what he said. He looked at Marco startled, and the change in the blond’s look didn’t ease his mind at all. Ever since stopping next to him, Marco had looked interested for the first time.

“What do you mean by that?” He asked. “You will come back, Erik. I know that it is hard, I know what you are going through. Do you have any idea how–”

“No, you don’t know anything about what I’m going through!” Erik snapped. He couldn’t keep his voice down and now a few pairs of nosy eyes looked at them. “My situation is much worse than yours was a year ago. You were the star, the best player, everyone couldn’t wait to see you back on the pitch. But me? I’m a no one! No one will even notice that I’m missing and when I will be alright again and if by any chance the coach gives me some time, everyone will just look around and say who needed me. And you know what, maybe they will be right!”

He didn’t know what had gotten into him. He quickly stared down at his own feet, before he couldn’t bear seeing Marco’s eyes. They mirrored a mixture of shock and amusement. Marco thought that he was being a drama queen.

“Oh, yes?” The blond put his hand on his hips. “And I think you are just negative for no real reason. You are giving up way too easily. We all had shit phases in our careers, and your operation won’t make you any different!” Now everyone was looking at them. “Do you think that Neven didn’t think about giving up? Or Ilkay? Open your eyes, Erik, and maybe you will see that you are not alone with your problems and you could ask for advice from us! We could help you, and we would. Do you think that all that Mats wanted was inviting a party pooper like you? If it hadn’t been for the coach asking him to–”

He fell silent immediately, but not quite quick enough. Erik jerked his head up and looked horrified at Marco. Then, he looked over at the other players in the room, but no one met his eyes. Matze took a faltering step towards him, but he stopped after seeing Erik ready to kill anyone with his eyes.

“I see.” He snorted, addressing no one and everyone at the same time. “So I am just a drag, an unwanted guy whom you still have to invite. I’ll make your job easier: you don’t have to invite me anymore!” He shouted and shot out.

He would have liked to run, but just then, his leg started to hurt again and he had to slow down and only limp. It wasn’t the dramatic exit he had hoped for, and it gave his teammates time to react.

“Erik…” Matze stammered. His voice was weak.

“I don’t care!” Erik snapped and he continued with a grim determination, his lips pressed into a tight line. “Sorry for ruining your party!” He snarled. Matze started off towards him, but Mats stopped him with a stern look. Erik could almost hear his thoughts. _Don’t_. They had given up on him.

As he stepped outside and he found himself alone on the street, he broke down. He didn’t cry, he wasn’t sure if he had any tears left in him. His throat dried up though and was as tight as it could get. He couldn’t get enough air into his lungs and he feared that he would fell unconscious in front of Mats’s house.

He had no idea what to do now. Should he go home? Did he have the strength to do it? And then what? What would he do once he was in his flat? Sit down on his couch and stare blindly in front of himself? That was the only reaction he could imagine. He was empty inside, incapable of feeling anything anymore. There was only one thing he knew for sure: he couldn’t stay here.

He took the first very hard step. His leg felt as if it was made out of lead and when he put his weight on it, a jolt of pain ran through his body. He nearly cried out, but he managed to swallow down the pain and continue. After he walked down a block, he got used to the pain and carried on. He looked into the nothingness in front of him and kept on going, no matter what. He didn’t perceive the people around him, he just walked, alone with his sorrow and pain. Lonely in a city of thousands.

It took him twice the time it normally did to get home. The pain was now unbearable and it burnt through the wall his will had built. The building was empty, the offices silent. He almost called the elevator, but then he stopped. He didn’t want Keller to hear him coming home. He couldn’t bear one more meeting with him. So he gritted his teeth and started off up the stairs.

It was torture, but he made it. Each next step was twice as hard as the one before, but he kept going, until he collapsed in front of his own door from exhaustion.

That’s how Keller found him minutes later.


	9. Unwanted Help

Erik woke up in a light room. He breathed in fresh air and he could hear the buzz of the city from the streets. At that thought, his eyes snapped open. Something wasn’t right. He couldn’t remember the last time he had let fresh air into his apartment and he definitely didn’t open the shutters when he woke up. All that could mean only one thing. He wasn’t in his own flat.

And indeed, the white leather couch he was lying on wasn’t in his living room. This one was untidy, with clothes flung around everywhere, video game controllers lying around, dirty plates on a coffee table that surely had seen better days. Seeing the mess around him, Erik could understand why there was a need to keep the windows open.

He didn’t have to guess where he was. He clearly remembered that he had gotten into the building, and that he had climbed the stairs even though his leg had hurt like hell. He had a vague recollection of him searching for his keys and trying to put them in the lock, but after that, everything went black. If only it had been the other way around and he had forgotten what had happened before his way home. But no, he remembered Marco’s words, his teammates’ reaction and how they abandoned him.

He got angry and he sat up. He felt somewhat dizzy, but luckily, his leg didn’t hurt much. He felt like he could stand up, and did so very carefully. It took him a few seconds to find his balance, but in the end, he managed to stay up. He didn’t have his shoes on, and his knee felt cold. He looked down and saw a huge bag of ice wrapped around his leg. So that was the reason for the numbness.

Erik made a slow first step and when he saw that nothing horrible happened, there was no pain, he put his other leg forward. Step by step, he limped into the short corridor that would lead him to the hallway and out of this place, into his secure apartment. He was only a few steps away now. Only a couple of seconds more. He would make it without meeting his obnoxious neighbor. He gritted his teeth because now he was feeling some pain in his legs, but he would take care of it with painkillers. Painkillers he got from Keller… seriously, the guy had already become a quite regular character in his life, despite all of Erik’s attempts.

He was already standing in front of the door, and he let out a sigh of relief. So at least something worked out for him this day. He put his hand on the handle and pushed it down.

It didn’t give way. Erik tried again, but to no avail. The door was locked.

“Going somewhere?” Keller appeared in the doorway leading to the kitchen, holding a mug of something, a smirk on his face.

“Let me out of here.” Erik hissed. He wasn’t going to yell at his neighbor. Not yet. But he was close to it.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.” Keller shook his head. “You are not in a state where I would feel safe letting you on your own.”

“You little–” Erik started to give voice to his rage, but the other man simply shrugged and turned around, walking away from him. Just like that. Erik didn’t know what to think. What was Keller doing? Erik wanted to snarl at him, why wasn’t Keller listening to him? He deserved to let his rage loose, but he wasn’t getting an audience.

“Come here, I have a cup of tea for you, too!” Keller called after him. Erik rolled his eyes. He was out of options. Just to be sure, he tried the door again, but he couldn’t get out. He was about to start musing whether he should call the police when he realized that his phone had been taken away from him, too. He was so going to kill Keller!

When he stepped into the kitchen that didn’t look like had ever been used, Keller was leaning against the fridge. There was a cup similar to his waiting for Erik on the kitchen table, and right next to it lay his phone.

“I took the liberty to set everything up for a call to your team doctor.” Keller noted as if it was just a small detail. Erik took a deep breath, but he actually didn’t have enough strength to yell. “That should be the first thing you do.”

“You won’t tell me what to do.” Erik hissed. “I can take care of myself.”

“And yet, the facts speak about something else.” Keller shrugged. He was so annoying, and Erik felt anger rise in him.

“Fuck you!” He shouted, but Keller didn’t even flinch. His smirk was still there and it looked like nothing would wipe it off his face. He was enjoying this very much, Erik realized. The madder he would get, the more this douchebag would enjoy himself. So he took a deep breath and decided for a different tactic. Maybe he could get Keller’s trust, it looked like the other man cared about him for a reason Erik couldn’t fathom. “Please, let me out of here.”

“I’ll do.” Keller nodded and a satisfied smile spread across Erik’s face. A smile that the next moment froze there. “As soon as you call your team doctor.”

“There’s no reason to do that.” Erik explained. He tried to smile at his neighbor, but it got harder by the second. “My leg doesn’t feel bad at all. I just need to lie down and have a long sleep to rest it. I thank you for your help and care, but I don’t want to trouble you anymore. I will take care of myself.”

“Yeah, sure you will.” Keller sighed. He drank up his tea and he put the cup in the washing machine. It was nearly full and Erik wondered when the last time Keller had ever used it was. If he had ever used it, that was. “I might be a celebrity, but I’m not an idiot.”

“And what makes you think that you should have any say in my life?” Erik put his hands on his hips. He still didn’t get his cup of tea. He was holding his phone firmly, but oddly enough, he still hadn’t exited his phone book.

“Call it humanity.” Keller said dryly. “It’s a useful thing. You should try it sometimes.” Ouch, that hurt. “Look, Erik. You are drugged, that’s why your leg doesn’t hurt. I gave you two painkillers,” he added, seeing Erik’s wide eyes. “Once they wear off, you will probably go through hell, and I would be calmer if I knew you had someone to look after you.”

“You don’t have to be worried about me.” Erik snarled. Maybe he should have been glad that someone cared about him after all, but at that moment, it only annoyed him to no end. “No one has asked you to do that.”

“I know.” Keller said. “No one had to. So will you call your doctor or not?” He asked and leaned against the doorframe. Just to tease Erik, he grabbed his key and started to swirl it around his finger. Erik stared at him for a long minute and then he couldn’t hold himself back any longer.

“You piece of shit!” He burst out. “Who do you think you are that you can trap me here and not let me out?! Have you completely lost your mind or what?! I could send you to jail for this!” He was shaking with anger and he took a few threatening steps towards the other man.

“Come on, Erik, you can do better than that.” Keller snorted. “We both know that my father’s money would buy me out of jail.” He said without winking.

“Fuck you!” Erik yelled and hit the wall right next to Keller’s head.

This couldn’t be true! There was no way to swing Keller out of balance. He just couldn’t be bothered with whatever Erik had to say, and the brunet asked himself why on earth he was even trying.

“You’ve already said that.” Keller shrugged again. There was something extremely annoying about that simple movement he liked to use so much. But this time, there was something different about it. He slumped his shoulders and gave in. “Just think about what I’ve told you.” He handed Erik the key. “And leave the key in the lock.” He said and then turned around, leaving Erik alone.

The footballer didn’t have to think twice what to do. He pushed his phone into his pocket and headed for the front door. He slammed the key in the lock and turned it around, opening the door wide open and stepping into the hallway. When he looked up though, he wished he had stayed in Keller’s apartment.


	10. Visitors

Mats turned around in the hallway the moment Erik closed the door. His captain looked completely shocked when he saw him and he measured him. The deep brown eyes scanned over him carefully and looked straight into his soul. Erik would have liked to find some defiance in himself and be able to stand Mats’s look, but it became impossible after a few seconds. Some said that if you couldn’t hold someone’s glance, it was because you held secrets from them. Erik didn’t have just one secret.

Matze was standing behind Mats, on the last step of the stairs. He looked not less stunned upon seeing his best friend. He opened his mouth, but not a single word left it. Erik didn’t feel anything seeing them. After the incident earlier in the afternoon, he couldn’t care less about his teammates. They meant nothing to him, and he didn’t want to have anything with them anymore.

“Hello, Erik! Can we talk?” Mats asked him almost friendly. Erik couldn’t suppress a snort. This was unbelievable. After everything the captain had done to him, he dared to come here, to Erik’s flat, and pretend that nothing had happened?

“No.” Erik said simply and he stepped to his door, pushing the tall central defender out of his way.

“Please, we need to talk.” Mats repeated.

“I don’t have anything to discuss with you.” Erik shrugged. “Go back to your party and forget about the little party pooper.”

“Erik!” Matze hit a more tender tone. “Marco didn’t mean it that way.”

“Sure he didn’t.” Erik shook his head.

“Okay, he shouldn’t have said it,” Mats started, “but we care about you, Erik. I really wish we could have a talk.”

“You care about me?” Erik snapped. He swung around and Mats took a step back as he suddenly had to face the younger defender. “You care about me? You ruined everything I’ve ever thought about this team, and you dare to say that you care about me? I left your house hurt and you didn’t even make the effort to follow me. So tell me, Mats Hummels, how can I believe you that you care about me?”

For a long moment, the tension sparkled between them and Erik’s muscles clenched with anger. Mats looked equally moved by the situation, and Erik could see that his words had hit their target. He didn’t care if he had put his captain in an uncomfortable position. He would have even felt satisfied if he had done.

“It’s not that simple, Erik.” Mats spoke slowly and carefully. “You didn’t see yourself. The man who had come to my house and the man who left it weren’t the same. When you started yelling, you weren’t yourself anymore. Your eyes were completely strange, and I hate to admit, but I was afraid of you. I couldn’t tell what you would do or how you would react if we tried to stop you. That’s why I told Matze to leave you be.” Erik stood amazed by the older man’s words. “But the important thing is that we are here now, and trust me, we don’t mean anything bad. I want to apologize for what happened in my home, but at the same time, I can’t tell that I’m completely sorry about it. It opened my eyes, Erik. I see what I did wrong, and I hope that it is still not too late to make it up to you.”

Erik jerked his head from Mats to Matze and then back again. He couldn’t decide what was going on here. Were they playing a trick on him? Was this a joke he didn’t understand? Would they start laughing at him all of a sudden? Maybe Marco was waiting a floor lower to appear at the right moment to finish Erik’s humiliation. It all seemed very possible, but still, when Erik saw Matze’s expression, the deepest part of his soul, the one that wanted to protect him and make him fight for his life and happiness took over and when he opened the door and entered his flat, he left the door open.

They went into the living room. After being at Keller’s place, the stench hit Erik’s nose and he walked over to the window, opening it wide. He took a deep breath of the fresh air pouring into the room and it helped him calm down a bit. When he turned around, his teammates were still standing in the middle of the room.

“Sit down.” He pointed at the couch and he took his place in one of the armchairs. He avoided looking at Mats, because he knew that he wouldn’t get an easy talk with him. His captain could be very adamant sometimes, and something told Erik that once again, this was the case. He would have to listen to what the dark haired man had to say.

“How are you doing?” Mats asked in the end. “And I don’t mean your leg only, Erik. I want to know how you are feeling.”

“Fine.” Erik barked and as far as he was concerned, the question had been answered.

“Haven’t you noticed any changes in yourself?” Mats kept pushing.

“What’s that? Have you become a shrink or what?” Erik mocked him. He didn’t like Mats being this nosy. Erik never visited his deepest thoughts, he didn’t want to be forced to do it.

“I’m only asking, because–” Mats took a long break, readying himself for the second part of the sentence, obviously being torn between whether he should continue or not. “Because I’m worried about you, Erik. The way you reacted today, and I’m not blaming you of course, Marco was a dick. But the way you reacted frightened me. I’ll be honest with you, okay? Tuchel really asked me to invite you over, and yes, probably I wouldn’t have invited you otherwise. But I wouldn’t have invited Matze or Roman, either. You know, it wasn’t really meant to be a big party or anything like that. I planned to have some chill with Schmelle, Neven and Piszczu. Marco overheard our conversation, and you know how he is. He has to be everywhere and he has to bring Auba with himself. Or the other way around, since he can’t drive anywhere.” Mats explained, and his last comment brought a faint smile on Erik’s face.

“I don’t want you to say anything to what I’m going to say now, but please, consider it, alright?” Mats went on and he took another deep breath. “I think you are having problems, Erik. I’m not sure if it is because of your operation, or something we have done. Maybe it’s not really important right now. But I’ve seen people go through the same, I experienced something similar when I was practically kicked out of Bayern. I was mad at the whole world and couldn’t see any positives in life. And first and foremost, I wouldn’t have admitted that I had any problems.” He stopped.

“That’s why we came here. I don’t want to sound pushy, and I don’t want to tell you how you feel or what you should do, because I can’t pretend to understand you.” He said, and Erik felt a tight knot in his throat. His mouth ran dry and he felt dizzy all of a sudden. The painkillers were stopping to work, and he felt a dull pain in his knee.

“I don’t want to say anything definite about you, but to me, it is clear that you are struggling with life right now. I just wanted to tell you how I see it, and maybe I am wrong. I hope I am wrong. But I want to reassure you, that if it is so, we all stand by you, and we will support you. But we can only help you if you ask for help, Erik, and no one can help you with that.” Mats finished.

Erik didn’t yell at him. He would have liked to. He wanted to object and tell Mats off for even considering something like that about him. He wanted to laugh at the idea of him being in depression, because ultimately, that’s what Mats had been talking about. And yet, he couldn’t do it. Deep in his heart, he knew that his captain was right, at least partly. He had problems, and he needed help. And he couldn’t ask for it. And still, hearing it from someone else instead of having to admit it himself, helped.

“That’s all I wanted to say.” Mats stood up. “Thank you for hearing me out. As I’ve said, I don’t expect you to say anything to it. I guess you don’t know what to say, and that’s completely okay. Just think about what I’ve said, alright?” The captain said and left the room. A few seconds later, the front door closed after him.

Matze didn’t move. He sat there like he had sat for the past minutes and looked at his best friend with an unspoken concern in his eyes. Erik could feel that Matze’s heart beat for him and that there was a lump in Matze’s throat as well. He felt the connection they had had since some time, and he hadn’t felt it ever since his operation. Mats had found the right words to soften him, and now he felt like being crushed under the weight of everything he had to deal with. But at least he finally saw what was threatening him.

“I am not weak, Matze!” He whined, tears welling up in his eyes. “I am not!”

“Of course you are not.” Matze hasted to say and he rushed over to Erik. “We don’t think that. But you are facing something truly horrible and frightening. Something you can’t tackle on your own. No one would be able to do it.” He reassured Erik.

The brunet nodded and he started to cry.


	11. Up, Down and Up Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your wonderful comments under the last chapter, and a thank you goes out to all of you who are following this story. I'm so happy that it interests so many of you, and I can hope that I will be able to write chapters that will keep up your interest. :-)

Erik cried for an entire hour. He couldn’t stop the tears that started to flow, each drop shed easing his mind and making the weight on his shoulders lighter. For the first time since days or maybe even weeks, he felt free. And how magnificently it felt! He managed to voice only his fear about looking weak to Matze, and then he did look weak, but his brain couldn’t care about it. His heart was being relieved and it was something he needed much more than his pride right now.

And Matze didn’t show any sign that he thought of him as weak. He didn’t move from his side, and he didn’t say a thing. He didn’t judge Erik. The occasional glances the brunet got of him through the curtain of his tears let him know that his best friend was still crouching next to him, with nothing but concern in his eyes. And when Erik’s tears dried up, and he could only sob silently, Matze finally sat next to him and embraced him, patting his back gently, soothing him and reassuring him that he wasn’t alone. Erik leaned into the touch instinctively and he found comfort in his friend’s arms. It didn’t last long though. After a few minutes, his brain started to function again, and it filled with doubts and crazy theories. He pushed away Matze and quickly wiped his eyes.

“That’s enough! I don’t know what happened! I’m sorry!” Erik explained himself and avoided his friend’s look.

“Erik, it’s okay. You have nothing to feel sorry for.” Matze talked so silently as if he was afraid to wake someone. Or maybe someone in Erik.

“Sure!” Erik spat. “Are you satisfied with yourself? Your little plan with Mats worked perfectly, didn’t it? You know what? You can run back to your precious party and have a laugh at me! I don’t care!” He sprung up and would have stormed out of the room if Matze hadn’t been quicker than him. The younger one grabbed his wrist and didn’t let go.

“Erik, please!” Matze begged him. “Don’t do this! You started the good way.”

“Shut up!” Erik yelled and pushed away Matze. It wasn’t a strong push, but he caught Matze by surprise and the taller one stumbled back, fell to the floor and hit his head against the radiator. The loud knock froze Erik’s blood and his heart stopped beating for a moment. It was as if a thick fog had evaporated all of a sudden, he saw himself in a different light, and he was disgusted of himself and what he had done.

“Matze! Shit! I’m so sorry! Are you alright?” He rushed over to his friend, who rubbed his hand where he had hit the metal. He didn’t look injured any way, but Erik still felt a huge amount of guilt that immobilized him. He just crouched down next to Matze and watched as he slowly gathered himself.

“Yes, I’m fine.” Matze reassured him. “It’s just a bump. Nothing happened.”

“Yes, it did!” Erik whined. “I hurt you, but believe me, I didn’t mean to– It’s just that…”

“Erik.” Matze calmed him down. “I know. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so pushy. I just wanted to help you and when you reacted the way you did, I was afraid that all positive effect had been lost on you.”

“What’s happening to me, Matze?” Erik whined after a long moment of silence.

“You are sick, Erik.” Matze said plainly. “And that’s nothing to be ashamed of. You aren’t the first one nor the last one to have a rough time turn into–”

“Depression.” Erik mouthed the dreaded word to finish his friend’s sentence.

He thought that the situation would turn worse by admitting his problems, but to his surprise, it actually helped. Yes, depression was a horrible thing and a not so promising prospect for Erik for the next few months. But at the same time, it also meant that there was a way out of this for him, and that he could get help. Professional help, someone who could aid him through the worst and not let him lose sight of the goal.

“But Erik, please don’t think of yourself as weak or a shame to anyone or anything. It could happen to anyone, and it’s more than understandable after what you’ve been through.” Matze was quick to try to lift his spirits.

“Thanks.” Erik smiled weakly. He couldn’t really believe Matze’s words, but it felt good to have someone supporting him. At least he saw that someone cared about him and it was sincere concern.

“Would you like to talk about it? Or anything else?” Matze suggested. “I don’t have anything to do for the rest of the day. I can even stay here overnight, if you’d like to.”

“No, that won’t be necessary.” Erik shook his head. “Thank you. I want to start down the right road as soon as possible.” He stated determined.

“You know that it won’t be an easy ride, right?” Matze raised his eyebrow. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m more than happy to see this commitment and determination, but you really need to seek medical help, Erik. I know that it sounds scary right now or something you don’t think you need, or if not now, at some point, you will think so. But you can’t fight this alone. Those doctors are there to help you.”

Something strange flashed in Erik’s eyes, because Matze pulled back all of a sudden and Erik could recognize the feeling in his eyes: fright. His best friend was afraid of him, of the man he had become against his will. The brunet cursed inwardly. How come he hadn’t noticed this earlier? How could he let things go so far? He couldn’t have been so blind to the truth, could he? Yes, he had been aware that he wasn’t in top form and that he was sad and gloomy more often than not. But, he had never thought that it could be as serious as depression. He always considered it to be a passing phase. Could it be that he had changed so much? Could he have become a frightening monster?

He had already given this thought a consideration. A sudden change like the one he experienced after hitting Matze wasn’t the first one. He had hurt others around him, but earlier, it was only snapping at a bystander, or maybe slamming things in his home. And whenever it ended, he felt like he had just woken up from a dream and someone else had been controlling his body. But now he realized that it wasn’t a strange someone. It had been him all along, it was only that he had changed so much in the meantime that he couldn’t see it himself.

“That’s what Thomas have said, too.” Erik nodded. “And I haven’t been nice to him, either.” Erik recalled how he had snapped at the team doctor.

“He will understand it.” Matze soothed him again. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. It will need time to get better, Erik. Don’t be impatient. It will be a hard-fought battle. I don’t want to make it look easy. But that’s one more reason for you to find someone who can help you as soon as possible. And then, take their advice and keep connected with us, too. We are your teammates. You can find allies in us.” He winked at him.

“Yes, that would be great.” Erik smiled under his nose.

“You know what?” Matze suggested. “Why don’t you call Thomas right now? I’m sure he knows some sport psychologists who can help you.” He spoke with a voice full of hope, almost as if he was praying.

“Yes, that would be great.” Erik agreed, but he didn’t reach for his phone. He just sat on the floor, staring in front of himself.

“You don’t have to do it right now.” Matze said after what had to be at least five minutes of neither of them moving.

“No, no, I want to do it.” Erik shook his head. “It’s just– Could you please leave to the next room? I think it will be easier for me then.”

“Sure thing.” Matze nodded. He slowly stood up and started off towards the door. “Can I get some ice from your fridge? Maybe I can prevent a swelling on my head.”

“Yes, sure.” Erik said, again ashamed of what he had done to his best friend. “You can find tablecloths in the bathroom cabinet.”

“Thanks.” Matze nodded. “And Erik?” He turned back in the doorway. “Can I trust you? Will you make that call?”

“Yes.” Erik said, but he wasn’t sure if he really meant it or not.

He still reached into his pocket though when his friend left. He unlocked his phone and stared at the screen. It was still set for that all important phone call, just like Keller had left it. Erik was just one click away to change his life, but all of a sudden, his fingers felt as if they were made out of lead. Nothing had ever seemed so hard, and he wasn’t sure if he would have the strength to dial Thomas’s number.


	12. Max

There was nothing intimidating in the small house Erik stood in front of, and yet, he was afraid to make the few steps inside. He had made that important phone call, mostly because he knew that it was the smaller bad. Matze was watching him closely and he surely would have found out if Erik hadn’t spoken with the psychologist. And then, he would have told Thomas and they would have forced Erik into this meeting. If he was already expected to come here, at least he would get here on his own, with his dignity intact.

Not that he was completely unsuspicious of Dr. Reiter. He would surely be a bald-headed old doctor with a lot of diplomas and credentials on his walls. Of course he would have a huge notepad and he would scribble in it while expecting Erik to open up to him. Right, as if Erik was ever going to do that. He had come here with one goal and one goal only. To get some advice and some pills that would make his days bearable. He didn’t want anything more. He would take care of the rest, he was sure of that. He didn’t need a know-it-all shrink to tell him what he was feeling and what he could and should do about it.

He finally got moving with this determination in mind. He opened the front door and found himself in a comfortable but quite small waiting room. A young assistant sat behind the desk facing the door, and another door led to the doctor’s office. Apart from that, there was only a huge clock standing in the corner along with an even bigger plant in the room and a few more armchairs were lined up next to the wall.

“Hello! Mr. Durm, right?” The assistant said as if he wanted to make it quick before Erik would change his mind. He looked somewhat familiar to the defender. He was surely a relative of someone Erik knew. There were those familiar lines but they didn’t speak of a really close relationship. “I’ll let Max know that you are here.” He reached for his phone but before he could dial his boss’s phone, the door to the office was open.

Erik wasn’t exactly sure what he had expected, but he knew instantly that he didn’t get it. The man now looking at him wore modern jeans, a black T-shirt and a pair of white sneakers. His hair was carefully styled and his every pore radiated vitality and youth. He beamed at Erik and stood aside, inviting him in.

“ _Dr._ Reiter?” Erik mouthed, still overcome by his surprise.

“Yes, Erik! But call me Max! Everyone knows me by that name.” The psychologist kept smiling and Erik made a few unsure steps towards his office.

It was completely different than what Erik had ever seen. There weren’t even those armchairs Erik thought were the accessories of every psychologist’s room. Max’s desk stood in the corner, facing the wall, but properly lit by the window next to it. There were two bookshelves in the corner opposing it, and then at least a dozen bean bags all over the gray carpet.

“Please, take a seat.” Max smiled at him. “Wherever you’d like.” He added, seeing Erik’s confusion. “But please, choose the color according to your mood.”

It was only then that Erik realized that the bean bags were in every color of the rainbow along with white, black and at least three shades of gray. He finally opted for the lightest gray and slumped down in it without moving it. He didn’t want to spend much time here, although he was starting to have a feeling that he wouldn’t get his way.

“Welcome to my little place, Erik. You don’t mind if I call you Erik, right?” Reiter sat in front of him, but he didn’t have a notepad.

“No.” Erik shook his head.

“Great. Would you mind telling me why have you come here?”

“Well, Thomas gave me your number and he thought that maybe you could–” Erik started to explain, but he didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence.

“I’m not interested in the how, but the why.” Reiter repeated and he looked the brunet deep in the eyes. He didn’t look demanding at all, but Erik sensed immediately that he would have to answer the question.

“I’ve had some problems lately and apparently, you can help me.” He kept it short. He didn’t trust this guy. He didn’t want to tell him more than the bare minimum he had to.

“Apparently?” Max mused on the word. “We’ll see about that. It all depends on what you expect from me.”

Erik didn’t understand this whole thing. He wasn’t prepared for this. He was ready for a couple of uncomfortable questions and having to look for the answers deep in his soul, but this here was uncomfortable on another level. He took a deep breath and voiced his concerns.

“You aren’t much like a doctor.”

“That’s because I’m not your doctor yet.” Reiter said calmly.

“Well, I thought it was obvious from me coming here that I want you to help me.” Erik rolled his eyes. These shrinks were impossible.

“Oh, I know that.” Max chuckled. “I’m just not sure if I want you to be my patient.”

“What?” Erik snapped. “Don’t you want to help me?”

“I do.” He still kept his calm. “But I only help those who aren’t a hopeless case. I will give my best, but you have to add your part. I am ready to help you, Erik. But are you ready to help yourself?”

Another uncomfortable question, Erik sighed. Of course he was ready to help himself… No. That wasn’t entirely right. He wanted to help himself and get rid of his depression. But if he had to be honest, he didn’t know what it meant or what it would take him.

“Don’t worry, I don’t want an answer right now.” Max helped him deal with his mounting thoughts. “I would only like to hear what you want. From me, from life, from whatever.”

“I just want to be happy.” Erik said. He was having enough of it. He came here for real help, not some mystical conversation that wasn’t going to help either of them. Except for Reiter. A nice check would surely await Erik for this appointment.

“Ah, happiness!” The other one smiled. “What a wonderful concept. A lot of people fight for it. Not many get it. But then, if they don’t define it, how could they know when they get it, right?” He pointed out, and it was the last straw for Erik. He broke.

“Look, I have no time for this! I’ve only had some rough weeks and a lot to worry about. Can you help me deal with it or not?” He burst out.

“Let’s see. I have time this evening. I could come over and worry with you, if you’re in.” He hit back with a deadpan expression.

“What?” Erik stared at him bewildered, a completely different sentence already on his tongue. He wanted to shout with Reiter, he was looking for a row between them, something that would make it impossible for the two of them to work together.

“You’ve said you had too much to worry about. Well, I don’t have much to worry about, so why don’t we share the burden? I could come over and help you to worry.” He explained.

Erik looked at him as if he was a madman, someone needing medical help himself. Then, he saw that Reiter meant it seriously and he started to laugh. This idea was so absurd! He imagined them sitting in his home, worrying together. What did Reiter even mean? He was so overcome by the ridiculous situation that he didn’t notice that this was his first honest and wholehearted laugh since weeks.

“Or we could try to work something out for you.” Reiter continued when Erik was done. “I’ll be honest with you, Erik. I’ve talked with Thomas. He told me his worries, and I can assure you that he is wrong. Your situation isn’t hopeless. I think you are exactly the type of patient I love. I work mostly with sportsmen or artists. You would be surprised how much common you have. And it’s also your big luck. Because ultimately, you have something to look forward to. You haven’t forgotten about the joys of life, you just have problems finding the way to them. That’s where you need help, along with finding the reason for your depression. I can help you with that. But as I’ve said, I’ll need you to cooperate. I won’t waste my time on someone who doesn’t fulfill his part of the deal. I won’t prescribe you any medication, unless it is unavoidable. I believe that you don’t have to manage your condition, you have to cure your illness. And I promise you to do that.”

“It sounds good.” Erik nodded. He didn’t think twice about what Reiter had said to him.

“Great!” Max clapped. “Then that’s it for today! Come back once you have thought about my expectations and once you have your own. Until then, we don’t have much to talk about.”

Erik couldn’t believe his ears. This wasn’t possible. Wasn’t _he_ the one who should have ended their session? It should have been him saying what they should do, what he was feeling like. And just like that, Reiter sent him away without doing anything useful?

“You can go.” The doctor repeated. He stood up, walked over to his desk and got busy reading a magazine.

“This doesn’t make any sense.” Erik’s defiance made him say as he stopped in the doorway.

“Come back once it does.” Max muttered under his breath without even glancing at Erik.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware that this isn't what most of you have expected, but Dr. Reiter just popped up in my mind and I had to write him in this story. I hope you will like him and will give him a chance to show that he can really help Erik. Let's hope that Erik will do the same. I'm curious about your opinion on Max though, so if you find the time to do it, please leave some comments, I'll be glad to read them. :-)


	13. A Quiet Afternoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, Erik has a darker day, but my aim is to show how hard it is to start on the way out of depression. I hope that you'll like this update, if you have the time, please let me know what you think of it. :-)

Erik walked away from Max’s office with countless questions in his mind. But above all, he was disappointed. He had gone there with real hope in his heart, thinking that he would find cure for his problems, and instead, he had to face a young guy to whom his problems were only a game. He was angry at Thomas. He had thought that their team doctor would recommend him a real professional who understood Erik’s problems and would treat him easily and in just a short amount of time. He felt lied to.

When he got home, he closed the door behind him again and looked around in his apartment. He barely recognized it as his own. This wasn’t how he had started his life in Dortmund. The worst thing was that he didn’t even remember the small steps that led to this slump. When had his life changed so much? He couldn’t find the answer and he gave in with a sigh. He walked into his living room and slumped in an armchair. He felt tired and wrung out. He simply wanted to sleep and he sprawled out.

Somehow, he felt safe in his flat. The armchair he was sitting in enveloped him and served like a cocoon protecting him from the horrible world outside. It was Erik’s only refuge and the suffocating feeling that he felt whenever he went outside vanished. Everything in here was the same. It wasn’t the most pleasant place in the world, but at least he knew it and he didn’t have to face any surprises here. He didn’t get any uncomfortable questions at home. Why would he ever leave? Why would he ever change? Not that he liked the situation he was in, but he could cope with it, and only God knew what he would have to face if he tried to change his state. No, he was better off finding a way to manage his current life than fighting and struggling for a life that held no guarantees to be any better.

His eyes closed and he dozed off, only to be awoken a few minutes later when Keller left his home and set off for the city. He couldn’t have been any louder even if he wanted to. He slammed his feet down on every step, and Erik could practically hear him getting downstairs. Then he fell asleep again, but this time, it was the screeching of Keller’s car’s tires that woke him up.

Erik shook his head in disbelief. If only he didn’t have to live with this jerk next door! He was sure that things would be much simpler then. He could relax, live his own life, not having to be afraid of being disturbed by Keller or by anyone. Seriously, it was much better if no one was around to tell him what he should do, interrupting him in whatever he was doing. He needed to rest a lot because of his operation, couldn’t anyone see it? But no, he had to get nosy visitors every single day! He was getting tired of it. Why didn’t anyone consider his needs? Why was he seemingly the only one realizing that he was living on this planet as well and that he had his own wishes? He felt like a puppet being pulled in a dozen directions. There was no wonder that he felt tired.

It all started with Klopp and his wonderful idea with transforming Erik into a defender. Sure, he found more playing time this way and he had some good matches, but it wasn’t like he had ever wanted to be a defender. How many little boys had a defender’s poster on their walls? He didn’t aim for fame, but he wanted to be acknowledged for his performances and being a member of the back four only gave every fan a reason to blame him whenever the team conceded. Like he was the one to blame and not the others failing utterly.

Then there were his teammates. They didn’t look at him as an experienced and stable member of their squad. He was still a novice in their eyes, who needed some guidance. At least, they always came over to Erik and explained to him what he was supposed to do. As if he didn’t know it himself! He wasn’t dense, for god’s sake!

And there was Marco, the worst of all… Erik didn’t want to fool himself. There was a time when he looked up to the blond, the star of the team, but it was exactly this position that caused Marco’s demise. The success, if a series of lost finals could be considered real success, only made him full of himself. He was the one who did everything right and everyone else around him failed, something he didn’t hesitate to point out, especially if it came to blaming Erik. He was just too blind to see further than his own ego.

Thinking about it, Erik also hated Matze. His friend behaved like a loser lately. He just sucked up to their teammates, so he could become a part of the clique of the biggest names. As if it was ever going to work. He abandoned Erik, truth to be told. And when he finally showed up, he started worrying about Erik and pretended that he knew perfectly what was wrong with Erik. Depression, right, Erik snorted. There wasn’t any depression, he was just having enough of everyone’s shit. Who could blame him for that?

But, he wouldn’t change himself. He didn’t want to join the line and play the big star. He was a fighter. He would give his very best on the pitch, and if he had to work extra hard for it, then be it. He was better than Matze. He had his own goals and expectations of himself, he didn’t care about what others thought of him. He wanted be a happy man on his own, he didn’t need false friends telling him what to do all the time. If only he could already start his rehab…

Just when he thought about it, his phone started to ring. He reached for it and saw Thomas’s number on the display.

“Hello?” Erik picked it up, rubbing his forehead. He expected some good news. Maybe Thomas thought about his state, and he could start working on his comeback sooner. The doctor hadn’t been impressed with Erik’s little action after the party and its effect on his already damaged knee.

“Hi, Erik! I just wanted to let you know how happy I am that you decided to go to Max.” Thomas’s cheerful voice came from the speaker. _What?_ _How the hell did he know about it?_ Erik didn’t have to come up with an answer, because the doctor told him a second later. “You know, my nephew is Max’s assistant, and he told me. Sorry about that, I guess I wanted to make sure that you really went there, Erik. It will do you good and help you a lot in your recovery, too. It’s always better to do rehab with some help on the psychological side, too.”

“Yeah, right.” Erik sighed, just to say something. If Thomas thought that he would visit Max regularly from now on and with pleasure, he was mistaken. There was no way that Erik would return to that clown!

“And how was it? Did you like Max?” Thomas asked.

“To be honest, I’m not sure yet if this will work out.” Erik put on his mask of ‘normality’. It was ridiculous. How come everyone around him expected something different from him than what he wanted to give? “His methods are quite uncommon.”

“Yes, they are!” Thomas laughed. “But believe me, he knows what he’s doing. He can help you a lot. Maybe he already helped you more than you would think.” He hinted. “Okay, I only wanted to talk to you about this, I’ve got to go now. Bye!”

And with that, the doctor hung up. He didn’t even ask how Erik was doing. It was a short call to force his own opinion on Erik, nothing more. The brunet slumped his shoulders. This was getting worse and worse. How come he hadn’t seen it earlier? There was no one around him who really cared about him, and this call only gave him one more person to be mad at.

What was Thomas even thinking? Spying on Erik? Making sure that he visited a psychologist? And what if Erik didn’t want to go to anyone? Why had no-one asked him about it? Because honestly, he didn’t want to ask for help. How could a shrink know what he was feeling when sometimes he himself wasn’t sure about it? Even the idea was pathetic!

No. He was alone, and he was the only one worrying about his fate.

Worrying.

The word brought up the memory of his meeting with Max and the psychologist’s words. _I could worry with you_. When Erik thought about it, he had to smile against his will. Yes, two grown men worrying would be a nice little scene, he laughed – and that laughter made him feel careless for a moment.

But his dark thoughts soon returned like old friends he couldn’t shake off.


	14. Back in Black-and-yellow

Erik couldn’t believe his ears when Thomas called him only two days later. He asked his team doctor three times, just to be sure that he had heard the news correctly. Thomas reassured him laughing that it was so, and that Erik was expected to start his rehab. The brunet felt as if he was flying above the ground. He had readied himself for even two weeks of rest after he had visited Thomas after that fateful party. Instead, he was now facing his first steps back to fitness after half that time.

And they were literal steps. Under strain, his knee still cried out in pain, but it was only a dull warning for him to take things easy and not to hurry. He gritted his teeth every single time and wiped the drops of sweat sitting out on his forehead, and pushed himself further. Thomas watched him closely the whole time, along with another physiotherapist, and they made sure that Erik didn’t hurt himself in his big eagerness.

It would have happened otherwise. Although Erik felt safe and sound in his flat, he wanted to be on the pitch again and play for his team, to help them to new victories. He suffered a lot during the simplest exercises in rehab, but every single time, he saw his goal clear and he wanted to charge forward and achieve it as soon as possible.

“What do you say to a rest?” Thomas suggested. Erik was walking on a treadmill and he was getting exhausted, his knee buckling when he put all his weight on his injured leg. Not that he was going to complain about it. But his team doctor was wary and didn’t miss the obvious signs of his patient pushing himself in a way that was borderline stupidity.

Erik nodded and waited for Thomas to stop the machine before he stepped down of it. He almost lost his balance, but the doctor caught him. “I’ve got you!” He said and put Erik’s arm on his shoulder, helping him to a near bench. Erik wanted to pull back and tell him that he could walk on his own, but he didn’t want to look too snappy. He feared that it would make Thomas suspicious again and he would ask him about Max and Erik’s progress in therapy. It would have been uncomfortable, since there were no new visits and no progress at all.

“Thanks.” Erik sighed when he collapsed onto the bench. He soaked up his sweat with the hem of his shirt that was already wet. He hadn’t expected that rehab would be this demanding, he had never had such a serious injury to come back from.

“Here, take a few sips.” Thomas offered him a bottle of water. Erik grabbed it, almost tore it open and gulped down its content in a matter of seconds. “I think we should finish for today.”

“No, I can go on.” Erik shook his head. “Just give me a minute.”

“It wasn’t a suggestion, Erik.” Thomas said. “You’ve worked enough. Go home and rest a lot. We’ll continue tomorrow. You won’t get behind at all. If we take it too quickly, you’ll only hurt yourself and end up injured again.”

“Fine.” Erik groused and crumpled the bottle into a ball to let out his anger.

“It’s a process.” Thomas smiled. “Trust me, if you do everything according to plan, no matter how annoyingly slow it seems right now, it will pay off in the end. You’ll take the next steps easier.”

“Yeah, I know.” Erik reassured his doctor and stood up. His teammates were training, and he hoped that if he got going soon, he would be able to avoid them. “Thanks for the help, I’ll be back tomorrow.”

“I’m waiting for you.” Thomas laughed. “And Erik?” He stopped the defender in the doorway. “Have you visited Max?”

“Not since our first meeting.” Erik answered tensed up. He balled his fists, but relaxed his muscles immediately. He couldn’t lose it right now. It would only make his situation harder.

“I see.” Thomas nodded. “Of course, I can only advise you as a friend, and I don’t want to force you. But I think that he could help you a lot during rehab, if nothing else. To deal with the hardships and setbacks, because there might be some.”

“Thanks, Thomas.” Erik nodded and rushed away before their conversation could get into details.

He made his way through the empty corridors, his steps echoing between the walls. He wanted to take a quick shower and get the hell out of here before his teammates would return, but when he heard the buzzing as he got close to their locker room, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to do that. A huge laughter burst out when he turned on the corner, but the air felt to have frozen when he entered the room. Everyone looked at him and they greeted him with a ‘Hi, Erik’ that sounded a lot like they had been practicing it.

Erik only muttered something that could be considered a greeting, and he hurried over to his locker. He took out a towel and fresh briefs and started to get rid of his sweaty clothes. The chatter returned to the room, but Erik could feel a few eyes locked on his back. As he turned around, he saw Matze getting closer to him. He smiled at his friend and rushed into the showers.

It was empty and he welcomed it. He turned the water on and stepped under the lukewarm stream. He had never felt this tired. His muscles tingled with exhaustion, but at the same time, there was nothing Erik wanted more than to get back on a machine again and work out. He had gained some weight during his time at home, and he now cursed at himself for not keeping himself in shape at least as much as he could.

The locker room was almost empty when he got back, but to his utmost annoyance, there was someone standing right next to his place.

“Can I maybe talk to you?” Marco asked when Erik walked over to his locker to change into his casual clothes.

“Yeah, sure.” Erik shrugged. He didn’t want to speak to Marco the least bit, but Schmelle and Matze were watching him closely and he understood what a rude refusal would mean for him.

“I only want to apologize for my behavior on Mats’s party. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I didn’t mean it that way. And you were right, my injury was easier in the way that it didn’t threaten my place in the team. But you should know that Tuchel counts with you and he wants to have you back on the pitch. You have had by far the best pre-season from all of us, so he would be mad not to consider you for the starting eleven.”

“Thanks.” Erik said. _Now, if you had even meant it_ , he added to himself. Marco obviously was looking for more coming from him, because he looked bewildered for a moment. In the end, he nodded, got his bag and left.

“How was rehab?” Matze asked.

“Fine, but straining.” Erik smiled weakly as he stuffed his dirty clothes into his backpack.

“Listen, could you maybe give me a lift home?” Matze drawled.

“Yeah, sure.” Erik nodded. _Why wouldn’t you use me the first time you get the chance?_

“See you tomorrow, Schmelle!” Matze waved at their teammate on their way out. The blond defender nodded and smiled at them.

Erik feared that Matze would try to force him into a conversation, but luckily it wasn’t the case. After the few usual questions about his well-being, they spent the drive home in silence. Matze invited Erik inside, but he reclined politely. He wanted to get home as soon as possible and get into his bed. He was getting more tired with each passing second and he already felt like he could fall asleep behind the wheel.

He got lucky with Keller, too. His obnoxious neighbor was nowhere to be seen; not that Erik missed him much. When he got home, he walked into his kitchen, and prepared a tea for himself, hoping that it would ease his headache. He got his phone out and listened to two messages waiting for him. One was from his mother he had to call back and another one from his agent telling him about an offer for an interview. Erik decided that both could wait a few hours and started to surf the internet.

He didn’t usually read the news, but for some reason, he did it that afternoon. And as Bild’s web page loaded, he froze in his seat. Keller’s self-satisfied grin beamed at him from the display and huge letters informed the reader about their favorite celebrity’s new apartment. Erik clicked on the link with a bad feeling and he skimmed through the article. When he found the two words he had feared to find, he felt like killing someone.


	15. Rage

“Keller!” Erik roared menacingly, punching the heavy wooden door over and over again with clenched fist. “I know you are in there you shithead! Open it!”

His shouts echoed in the stairwell and he couldn’t care about it. He didn’t even hear it. He only felt the blood thumping in his head, anger clouding his vision as he looked for a way to burst into his neighbor’s apartment in case Keller wouldn’t open the door for him after all. The other one couldn’t be fast enough. Erik’s hand started to hurt and so he relied on his foot, kicking the door. The door hinges wailed painfully, but they didn’t give way and the next moment, a small slit appeared as Keller peeked out of his apartment.

“Erik, is that you?” He asked lightheartedly, at least considering the circumstances. There was also a special undertone to his voice that gave away his fear. Erik didn’t even need more reassurance. Good, the jerk should have been frightened.

“What the hell were you thinking?” The brunet shouted and he hit the door with his arm. The door slung wide open and Keller took a step back to avoid being hit – or escape from Erik. “What is this supposed to mean?” Erik spat as he entered the flat, stamping his foot on the expensive and very soft carpet that to his biggest frustration dampened the sound of his shoes. He lifted his cell phone and pressed it under Keller’s nose for the other one to inspect it.

Keller took a quick glance at the footballer, gauging his position and body language, finding it hard to decide if it was safe to step closer again. In the end, he just craned his neck and looked at the small device in Erik’s shaking hand. His eyes returned to its owner’s face the next second, the fright gone from them.

“Your phone?” He asked frowning.

“No, you idiot!” Erik yelled and glimpsed at his cell. He noticed annoyed that it had gone to sleep, deeply taking the sails out of his boat. He quickly unlocked it and pressed it under Keller’s face again. “This article! How dare you display my secret to the whole world to see?”

“Your secret?” Keller didn’t look any more understanding. “What are you talking about? I didn’t tell them anything about you…”

“Except that I am your new neighbor and now everyone will know it!” Erik clued him in.

“Come on, Erik! Don’t ridicule yourself. Bild have already surely known that you–”

“I’m ridiculing myself?” Erik snapped and he had a hard time holding himself back from hitting Keller right in the face. He was sure that he could crack his nose if not break it, and it would have been surprisingly satisfying at the moment. “Why don’t you just stop poking your nose into matters that are none of your business?”

“I would gladly do that and leave you alone, but you don’t give me much choice, to be honest.” Keller explained, regaining his confidence. He clearly felt that the home pitch gave him an advantage and he wasn’t going to take any telling off in his own apartment. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feeling by mentioning you to Bild, although I can’t really recall it. They surely know where you live and it wouldn’t be hard to realize that we are now neighbors. But I’ll take it, maybe I told them myself, I had no idea that it was a secret or something.” Keller raised his hands in defense and once again caught Erik by surprise. “But even despite that, I didn’t earn this kind of treatment and you will show me some respect, young man!” He changed his tone to a somewhat menacing one.

“Right, like you have ever done anything to earn anyone’s respect.” Erik snorted.

“Get out of my home.” Keller hissed, clearly articulating every single syllable.

He spoke with an anger that frightened Erik and the red cloud started to dissolve in front of him. It felt like waking up from a daze. He had no idea how he had turned up here. He remembered everything that had happened, but it just didn’t feel like he had actually done it. Maybe he didn’t.

He would have liked to believe it, but he knew that it wasn’t the truth. He just stood there, unable to move, disgusted of himself. He wasn’t like this. He never lost his temper this way. What has gotten into him? How could he threaten Keller over something this trivial? He was absolutely right; he didn’t reveal any big secret with mentioning him to Bild. If he mentioned Erik, that is. The brunet could now easily imagine that the reporter or whoever had written that article had made the connection himself.

“Don’t you hear me? Get out!” Keller repeated with more venom and emphasis.

Erik looked at him baffled, still unable to answer the many questions whirling in his head. He unclenched his fists and looked at his fingers moving as if they weren’t even his. For a moment, he didn’t know where he was or what was happening. Reality hit him hard and he didn’t want to face it.

“Rudolf, I’m–” His voice broke and he felt like crying. “I don’t know what happened. I– I–” He couldn’t go further than gaping at his neighbor, repeating that single sound over and over again.

“Go away, Erik.” Keller said and he grabbed the footballer by the shoulder, ready to toss him out of his home. Erik could understand him, but the moment before it could have happened, someone else joined their dispute.

“What are you doing, Rudolf?!” A bark came from behind Erik. The voice was familiar, but the brunet had no idea where he had heard it before. All he perceived was Keller’s grip loosening around his shoulder and he slowly turned his head back to face– Max.

“Hi there, Doc!” Keller greeted the young man with the voice he must have reserved for friendly chats, not that he had ever showed it to Erik.

“What is going on here? You can be heard in the whole building.” The doctor reprimanded both of them as he walked over to them. Erik still couldn’t believe that he was here and he was too taken aback by his sudden appearance to actually ask himself what the young psychologist was doing in their house.

“Erik was about to leave, weren’t you?” Keller turned to the brunet, his smile vanishing as he did so. His eyes sent electric jolts in Erik’s direction and the defender could only nod and turn around, floundering through the hallway.

He kept his eyes on the floor, not feeling anything. He was empty inside and it was much better than being filled with all those horrible sensations that had somehow gotten into him all of a sudden. He most certainly still didn’t feel like himself, but at least he wasn’t a stranger, either.

“Is everything alright?” Max asked concerned when he passed him, but Erik didn’t give him an answer.

He leaned against his flat’s front door gratefully as soon as he reached it. He fished his key out of his pocket, but he couldn’t find the lock with his trembling hands. The next moment, his whole body started to shake and he would have collapsed if it wasn’t for his hold.

“Here, let me help you.” Max stopped next to him and got the key out of his hand.

It felt like a movie. Erik could only watch as the doctor fitted the key in and turned it. He then carefully snaked his arm around Erik’s waist before pushing the door in so that the footballer wouldn’t fall.

“Okay, one step at a time, alright?” He reassured Erik and they started their painful way inside the flat.

It probably took them five minutes to get in the living room and Erik slumped down on one of the leather armchairs. Max put a pillow behind his back and arranged it with great care. He then grabbed Erik’s wrist. It was the touch of an experienced professional. He felt Erik’s pulse and at the same time looked him deep in the eyes.

“Have you taken any pills today?” He asked hastily. For a moment, Erik didn’t understand him and it took him some time to figure out the meaning of the words. He shook his head. “Good. Do you have alcohol at home?” This time, Erik answered much quicker with shaking his head. “Stay here and don’t do anything!” Max ordered him and ran out of the room. He returned a minute later, carrying a glass with some auburn liquid in it.

“Drink this! But carefully!” He handed the whiskey to Erik and the footballer took a gulp of it. It burnt his throat and it felt disgusting, but he didn’t care. He could already feel that it helped him and nothing else mattered. “What happened, Erik?” Max asked tenderly, as if he was afraid to break the silence.

“I don’t know.” Erik answered, his voice barely more than a whisper.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dr. Reiter looked at him with a mixture of worry and sympathy.


	16. Talking

“How do you know Keller? You came to visit him, didn’t you?” Erik asked in an emotionless voice. He felt drained and he wanted to fall asleep. The whiskey numbed him and he felt absolutely nothing. It was much better than the rage roaring in him just a few minutes ago.

“It’s not important.” Max said simply. He looked at Erik in an expectant but not urging way.

“Is he one of your patients?”

“I’ve told you it’s not important.”

“So you can’t tell me.” Erik mused. “Is this that doctor-patient confidentiality thing?”

“Erik, if it was, I wouldn’t tell you.” Max smiled at him. “I’m here to talk about you, not Rudolf.”

“Oh, you want to help me all of a sudden?” Erik snorted. “You weren’t this willing when I visited you.”

“No, I don’t want to help you, because I know I can’t.” Max corrected him with a wry smile. “Only you can help yourself. But you will need someone to aid you. If you decide that it should be me, that’s great.”

“You’re a great shrink, you know how to describe what you do in a fancy way, but you won’t fool me. I know you only want to play the smart guy who knows how to live my life.”

“So is this what psychotherapists do?” The doctor smiled under his breath. God, how much Erik wanted to wipe that smile off his face. “I’ll be honest, I have no idea how you should live your life. I’m not in a position to be that _smart guy_. But I see that you are having problems and for starters I want you to realize how serious they are. When you visited me, you told me how you hurt your friend. Today I saw you do it to Rudolf, and–”

“That’s completely different!” Erik snapped. “Keller was a dick and he deserved what he got from me!”

“Did he?” Max smiled. “Because as far as I can remember, you wanted to apologize to him.”

“He told Bild where I live.”

“And did you ask him not to do it?”

Max’s question opened Erik’s eyes. No, he didn’t particularly ask Keller, but wasn’t it obvious? Who wanted to be on the front page of a tabloid? And yes, maybe the guy was right and Bild already knew it, but still… if Keller hadn’t run to them to get himself promotional space...

“And you think I’m depressed?” Erik decided to dodge the question.

“I think you have depression. Don’t you?”

“I’m a world champion, I play for one of the biggest clubs in Europe, and sure, I’m injured right now, but I’m on my way to recovery. Why would I be depressed? Sorry, why would I have depression?” He corrected himself before Reiter could have done it for him.

“You know, I once knew an entrepreneur. He was a successful businessman, made millions in a single week. He had a happy family life, two wonderful daughters, houses all over the planet, luxurious cars. He could dine every night in the most expensive restaurants and didn’t have to worry about money at all. He had everything a man could ask for, and still, he died of cancer.” He finished dramatically. Erik looked at him clueless. “Can you believe it? A man as successful as he, and he had cancer!”

“What are you talking about?” The footballer frowned.

“Depression is a sickness like any other, Erik. Just like you don’t blame someone for catching the flu or developing cancer for that matter, you shouldn’t blame yourself for having depression. If you want to blame yourself, than do it for not fighting it!”

“So that’s it?” Erik asked, not believing his ears. “I happen to have depression? It’s an unfortunate thing and I should accept it?”

“The fact that you have depression? Yes. But that it has to be this way… I would be a horrible shrink if I was to tell you that. And I can reassure you, I’m one of the bests.” Max met Erik’s gaze, his eyes shining with contagious confidence.

“And if you want to guide me, shouldn’t you have a notebook or something? You know, to write down what you think of me.”

“I’ll tell you what I think of you, if you ask me to.”

“What is it?” Erik asked, not even sure why. He wasn’t interested in the answer. Reiter was no one to him, why should he care about his opinion? If it was favorable, good, and if not– it would only make him angry again.

“I see a troubled young man. I see someone who has been fighting all his life for something that he has now acquired. You are a world champion, a successful footballer, and still, you don’t feel accomplished. You feel your life is empty, you don’t know what’s really important to you, what’s missing. When you got injured and you couldn’t play football anymore, you realized that you are not happy. It only got worse and worse. You believed that this fate was yours and you systematically started to push away everyone who tried to help you. And now when you realize just how far you have come, you are too afraid to do anything about it, because you don’t feel ready for the hardship.”

“It’s not that simple.” Erik mouthed, his voice almost inaudible.

“Of course it isn’t.” Max nodded. “But that’s all I can be sure of right now. If you decide to accept my terms and promise me to make a real effort, I can understand you better and find a way out. But not alone. You have to cooperate and do your best.”

“I’m afraid.” Erik shook his head. “What if this is permanent and this really is how I am?”

“I can assure you, it isn’t.” Max consoled him. “That feeling you felt before you wanted to apologize to Rudolf – that guilt – tells you that there’s a conflict in you. There is the current Erik, but deep in your heart, you know that it isn’t how you should be. You know that’s not you. You are a much better human being, a young man with a lust for life and the beauty in this world. And that’s a wonderful thing.”

Erik remained silent for a long time. His mind was racing in a way that it hurt. Everything that Max said was true, and the way he said it was so reassuring. He could believe that he could make it with the doctor’s help, but it couldn’t be as easy as Max made it seem. He spoke of hardships and obstacles and Erik wasn’t up for those. He barely had the strength to exist, how could he be expected to fight?

And still, that part of him, hidden somewhere deep in his soul, screamed for help. He wanted to get out of his current situation. He knew that it wasn’t right, that he was a completely different human being. He missed the lust Max had mentioned and he wanted it back. This treadmill was slowly killing him and ruining everything he had ever had. He had no other choice, and it somehow eased his mind. He didn’t have to make a decision.

“No medication?” He asked, remembering Max’s words in his office.

“None.” The doctor affirmed. “Unless they are necessary, but then I will have to consult with a specialist. But my experience tells me that a good therapy and a fighting spirit you must have in you are as effective as medication.”

“Do I have to tell my teammates?” Erik wanted to dispel that dread he felt inside of him. He couldn’t survive the shame he would have to endure if the guys knew about his problems.

“Not if you don’t want to.” Max shook his head. “But you will have to tell your coach and especially your doctor. He needs to know about the therapy.”

“Can’t you talk to him?” Erik begged. It couldn’t be true, but somehow, his will to heal was so big that he forgot about his self-regard. “I mean, he is my doctor and you will be soon, shouldn’t you two discuss it?”

“I won’t be your doctor, Erik.” Max said dryly and the defender jerked his head up. He couldn’t believe it. All this time, he had been fooled. He believed that Max honestly wanted to help him, and now it turned out that it was just a crude game at his expense. “Not officially. Unless it is completely necessary. It is a risk too huge. Where there is a record, there is a possibility that someone will find it. Someone you don’t want it to see. I can reassure you it’s nothing illegal, but I would like to keep our cooperation confidential as long and as much as possible. Let’s see if it works out. If not, and you need more help, I’m afraid you won’t have much choice. But until then, I will do my very best to protect you.”

“Oh.” Erik sighed, understanding the reason for Max’s decision and at that moment, he realized that he had made the right decision by choosing him.


	17. The First Meeting

When Erik entered the familiar waiting room, he almost turned around. He couldn’t see Max’s secretary not as his team doctor’s spy to let him know if Erik took his therapy seriously. It was intimidating and not something he needed right now. He barely mustered the strength to climb out of his bed, he could be easily deterred, why hadn’t Max thought about it?

“Ah, Erik!” If it wasn’t bad enough already, said secretary addressed him with a wide grin. “Could you come over here? Max says it would be a good idea.” He shrugged.

Erik furrowed his brows and scuffed over to the reception desk. He hung his head low and started to inspect the tabletop as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world. Now he was going to get a friendly chat above all, he groused. Maybe he shouldn’t have chosen Max after all. There were countless sport psychiatrists, especially for athletes like him. BVB surely had the contact of many. And they were all professionals; nothing in this place impressed as a serious business.

But Max’s assistant was silent. He didn’t talk to Erik, and seemed to be immersed in his job. Erik stood by his desk like a fool. There was no reason for him to really be here. As far as he was concerned, he could have easily sat down in one of the chairs lined up by the next wall. He glanced at the young assistant from behind his eyelashes. _Christoph_ , he read his name tag. To his utmost surprise, he actually wanted to talk to the boy, because it was just wrong standing there and not doing anything. But as he opened his mouth, the door to Max’s office flung open and a patient in his forties emerged.

He looked at Erik with wild eyes and almost bumped into a plant pot on his way out. Erik felt himself blush. He wanted to hide somewhere, but it was impossible. He was exposed like in a shop window, for everyone to see.

“Of course, Erik, I’ll give these papers to my uncle!” Christoph spoke up all of a sudden, lifting a file that Erik hadn’t even noticed was there. He had no idea what was going on; this must have been one of Max’s games and he hated the guy for it. But before he could invest himself in that feeling, Chris continued. “Why on earth would you have drove as far as the training ground because of it, right? It’s much more convenient, and I’m going to see him tonight anyhow.” He looked at Erik as if he was supposed to play a part here, but the defender had no idea what it was.

“Yes, thanks–” He stammered half-asking, not sure what this was about.

“Come on in, Erik!” Max suddenly called for him. The doctor was leaning against the doorframe.

Erik scanned the waiting room. The patient was gone and Christoph put the file back on the desk, gazing at his computer screen as if he hadn’t stopped working at all. Erik shook his head to get some sense into it. Maybe he was hallucinating or something?

“What is going on here?” He asked baffled.

“I’ve told you I would protect you.” Max came to his help with the explanation. “I can keep things out, but unfortunately, I can’t always vouch for what my other patients take away from here. Mr. Trapp is the more chatty type, I must say. I reckon it is for the better if he thinks that you were here to visit Christoph and not me. I knew the boy would come in handy one day or another.”

“Fuck you, Max!” The assistant mumbled, not even looking at the doctor.

“Will do, Christoph!” Max laughed. “Why don’t we get started, Erik?” He turned back to the footballer and showed him the way inside his office.

Erik still didn’t totally understand the scene, he would need to drink two cups of coffee for his brain to start functioning properly, but he gathered it was some sort of alibi for him. He wasn’t sure if it was really needed, but still, Max thought about it, and once again, Erik was amazed by the doctor’s consideration.

“Pick the bean bag that suits your mood!” Max told him when they were in his office. The doctor closed the door and walked to his desk.

Erik scanned the room. The bags were placed differently than on his first visit. This had to be one of Max’s games, or a tool to let him know how his patients felt and choose his attitude accordingly. But it was a hard task. Erik wouldn’t have thought that he would ever have such a problem understanding his feelings, but as he considered color after color, none seemed to reflect his mood.

“We can also sit on the carpet if you’d like to.” Max stepped to him.

“No, that’s not necessary.” Erik shook his head and finally opted for a dark-blue bag. He slumped down in it. It was comfortable and he already could imagine how hard it would be to climb out of it.

“Great!” Max smiled and turned back to his desk. He took a notebook and a pen and sat down opposite to Erik. “I’ve only bought this notebook for you, I hope it is satisfactory.” Erik looked at him in incomprehension. “What? It’s important to live up to the expectations of those around us, wouldn’t you agree?”

His question was answered with Erik’s silence. Max seemed to be thinking in such a brisk pace that it was hard to follow. Erik frowned again as he tried to decipher what the doctor was aiming at. Maybe it was a test or a conversation starter? Maybe Max wanted him to realize that his problems stemmed in his need to fulfil the expectations everyone put on him?

“Okay, then could you tell me why you chose this bean bag?” Max tried another question.

Erik once again shot him a bewildered look. What did the doctor even want? How on earth would he know why he felt like _dark-blue_? He just felt this bag was the closest to what he was feeling. There was no reason for it. Basically, someone’s emotional life had no reason, did it?

“If you have problems with your vocal chords, you’re in the wrong place. I guess there’s laryngologists just a block away.” A smiled played at the corners of Max’s lips.

“No, I just don’t know what you want or what you mean.” Erik explained. “I mean, what do you want to achieve with all this?”

“I want to assist your healing.” Max’s tone was friendlier. “If you want a detailed description of my approach, I’m afraid I can’t give you that. It would be counterproductive. Let me elaborate! Take a football game. When is it easier to play? The ninety minutes when you don’t always know how long until the final whistle, or the added time when you count down the seconds?”

“The ninety minutes I guess.” Erik answered after a moment of hesitation.

“Exactly.” Max nodded. “If I told you what you should expect from our meetings, you would overthink. For one, you would produce the desired results, but you would also doubt your recovery. You would think about your progress, whether it is enough or not and whether what we do here really helps or not.” Well, finally, this made sense. “Mental health isn’t exact. I can’t give you a recovery plan. Maybe it will take a few days, maybe weeks, months or even years. You shouldn’t care about it. Take it as it comes and give your best. If you do that, we will reach our destination sooner rather than later. Does that sound like a deal?” Max winked at him.

“Yes, fine.” Erik didn’t come here for this, but what else could he do?

“I see you are full of expectations.” Max sighed. “I can understand it, but you should get rid of them. Life doesn’t give you only what you want, I guess you know it more than I do. Your therapy won’t be any different. But I can assure you, we will be on the right track, but I’m afraid we took the slow train, not the intercity.”

“Okay.” Erik nodded.

“Here, let me give you something!” Max stood up all of a sudden and left the office through the back door. Erik caught a glimpse of the yard behind the house. It was full of green plants and a magnificently maintained lawn. He was somewhat brought down when he saw his present in Max’s hands. “Take this.”

“A pot full of dirt?” Erik inspected the small ceramic.

“It’s called soil, but never mind.” Max rolled his eyes. He gave the impression of a man whose passion had just been insulted. “The main thing is inside. A little seed. It’s your job to make a plant out of it. You will have to water it, tend to it, and buy it bigger pots when it starts to grow. But you will know that it is growing. Just like your health. You won’t see a huge progress on a daily basis, but whenever you’ll look at this plant, I want you to know that you have already started off in the right direction.” Erik looked at the doctor in awe. This was almost too beautiful to be true. Once again, he had to admit that Max knew what he was doing. “And now, let’s nurse that seed of health in you!”


End file.
